Member Questions Series II

Getting into the lifestyle can be equal parts intriguing and terrifying. There are lots of unknowns and questions to be asked. Getting everything out on the table with your partner is the most important first step, but once you’ve both agreed you want to give the lifestyle a try, what then?

Here at SDC.com we’ve got a host of experts ready to help you with your deepest most intimate questions and concerns. However, we also trust our community of readers and lifestyle-goers. So, in these Members Questions Series, we want to hear your answers.

It Was to be About the Both of Us, Not Her Alone…

My wife and I are new to the lifestyle, we have never played with anyone. We just got into the lifestyle looking for a MFM, FMF or a couples full swap. We were talking to couples and singles.

We chatted with one guy, and they liked each other just by chatting and seeing each other’s pics. He wanted to meet us, but we didn’t have a babysitter, so he asked if she could go alone to see if they clicked.

I decided to let her go, and she ended up sleeping with him outside a parking lot in the car. She said she was just going to meet him to find out if he was the one to do a MFM. She said it was good, and that she was ready for us to do it.

He turned to say he doesn’t do MFM.

It upsets me that she acted alone without my consent and slept with him. She said “too bad” and there is nothing we could do anymore. But I’m still upset about it.

What can I do? What advise can you give me? This was suppose to be about both of us not just one of us.

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Soft Swap or Not?

My husband and I just recently had our first soft swap. The other couple didn’t feel comfortable performing in front of their spouse and encouraged us to be in separate rooms. We have a no-penetration rule, however, upon entering the room that they were in it appeared that they were actually penetrating. He says they didn’t but I saw otherwise.

I like the LS, but I don’t like the feeling of seeing him penetrate another woman.

How should I handle this?

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How to Solve my Performance Problem?

My wife of 28 years and I are new to the lifestyle. We are having lots of fun… But I’ve run into a bit of a performance problem.

At age 50 I’ve not had any erectile problems until we’re with other couples.

For some reason, I have trouble either getting it up or maintaining erections. This is a new problem for me.

When I’m just with my wife, I’m good to go. I’m so embarrassed and I really want to continue our adventures but now I’m feeling too self-conscious to meet other couples.

Any advice you can offer will be appreciated.

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Do You Know Videos that Show the LS in Not a Sleazy Way?

Newbies here. My wife and I stumbled into a full swap a couple of years ago that we were not prepared for, but it went exceptionally well for all. My wife really enjoyed both of the other couple. She’s always been a bit conservative, but really gets into it once the action starts — just how she is.

Since that experience, we’ve shared fantasies related to the LS and will sometimes watch porn with MMF & FFM as well as swapping, which she enjoys more than just a one-on-one encounters. She enjoys the videos and I think they have helped her to be more confident when we take the next step: a trip to Trapeze.

We like to play a game when we’re out people watching called “Would You?” When an attractive man or woman walks by, I simply ask and she responds. Then I ask, “How Many?” meaning how many drinks would it take. The really hot women and men take zero drinks. I share this because my wife is interested and admits that she has always been bi, and likes it. And she is interested in more experiences. She’s just uncomfortable with creating an environment where those experiences are more likely to happen. The first time, it was just a perfect storm or sorts.

I’m hoping adding a couple of pro-LS videos to our collection may inspire her to be more pro-active. She admitted that it will be up to me to get her there, but she knows once she’s there she’s likely to enjoy the experience. She just needs to “get there” and I’m hoping videos will provide a fun assist.

My question is: Do you know of any specific videos that show the LS in not such a sleazy way? Or videos of women seducing newbie wives (one of her fantasies)?

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How Do I Get Myself in the Mood for Sex?

When we go to a club or party spontaneously, me and my husband have a great time and enjoy having sex. We often meet couples we like, and after our play, set a date for a private meeting.

That is where it can go wrong: On the date, it sometimes happens that I am actually not in the mood for sex. Not with my husband, not with the couple in question.

How do I deal with this? How should I get myself in the mood?

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Penis is Too Big, What Can I Do?

Hi, I have a serious problem: My man’s penis is exactly the right size for me. But when we date other couples, it sometimes happens that his penis and my vagina do not match up because the penis is too big. I have tried lots of lubrication, but that doesn’t do the trick. What can I do? We are almost afraid to date.

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My Girl Chickens Out… What to Do?

My girl, she gets gung ho and talks big but right before we are to go meet the couple, she backs out. She talks real big, but chickens out every damn time. What can I do to combat and stop this?

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What Terms to Use in Our Profile?

We are a couple and new to the lifestyle. We are trying to understand the terminology. We are a couple and right now are seeking a girl to play with rather than a couple. When we are selecting our swinging style, what is correct?

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Our tips:

Are We Overreacting?

We are very new to the lifestyle (since Feb 2016) and we have met two couples who want to make friends and if the benefits come, that’s great. They both have “erotic” e-mails in their profiles. And my wife enjoys those and has shared these e-mails with the other couple’s male companion.

Well, the males have enjoyed these e-mails, fed the fire and gotten pretty hot and bothered. However, upon sharing these with their significant others, well let’s just say, that didn’t go over very well. And needless to say, the friendship cooled right off.

Excuse

We did still get together with these couples – one we played with (who then wanted to make another date, but never did), and one we spent a platonic weekend with and had a great time, and they initiated the next date. Then when the date cane around, they made an excuse not to meet up.

We’re having a hard time understanding this. Both couples want to make lasting friendships, but can’t be honest with us. We are considering dropping out of the lifestyle because this just seems too weird.

Are we overreacting? Is this how couples relate? Just having trouble navigating this whole thing. Can you shed some light on this?

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Maddy V
Dutch journalist and editor. Specialized in writing articles about sex, health and relationships.