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Who Cares How Many Sexual Partners You've Had?!

Dr. Jess     
While counting partners may seem like no big deal, the associated pressure and judgment (from both ourselves and others) is often an unnecessary problem.

We are a culture consumed by numbers. We just love to measure, count and quantify everything: money, cars, homes, dates, waistlines, trophies, Facebook friends, minutes, miles per gallon, calories. So it should come as no surprise that lovers are no exception.

While counting partners may seem like no big deal, the associated pressure and judgment (from both ourselves and others) is often an unnecessary problem.

The Sex Degrees of Separation Calculator...

Last year, a British website released the Sex Degrees of Separation Calculator designed to compute the number of indirect sexual partners based on a user’s age, gender and sexual history. The online calculator estimated that the average Brit had “indirect sex” with just under 3 million people! While the tool’s intention was to encourage safer sex, the public outcry in response to the results indicated that we are both obsessed and highly uncomfortable with the idea of having many sexual partners.

So what should you do when a new love interest asks you how many people you’ve had sex with?

Tell the Truth

Whether you believe your total is high or low, the healthiest approach involves telling the truth. That’s right. Whether you’ve had sex with three or three hundred partners, this is a part of your reality and anyone who is interested in you should be open to accepting you for who you really are. That doesn’t mean that a new partner won’t be surprised, intimidated, nervous or even a bit uncomfortable with your history, but this can be resolved with a little open communication, honest expression of feelings and genuine reassurance. And bear in mind, that judgment really does tend to leave little room for love.

Be Honest About Your Sexual History

If you’re adamant about not revealing your running total, you can always refer your new mate to the Sex Degrees of Separation Calculator, brag that you’ve had fewer (or more) partners than Little Wayne or admit that somewhere along the way you managed to lose count. You may also want to highlight the fact that “sex” means different things to different people, so what qualifies as a sexual partner may vary from person to person. At the very least, this should buy you some time to tally up your total.

And while honesty really is the best policy, being transparent doesn’t mean that you have to reveal all the juicy and graphic details of your sex life to-date.

Being upfront about your sexual history demonstrates that you feel self-assured about your past and lays the foundation for honest communication in a healthy relationship.

Until next time, have fun, experiment and always practice safer sex.

Dr. Jess

"An award-winning speaker, Jess has worked with thousands of couples from all corners of the globe to transform their relationships via her wildly successful Marriage As A Business program. From Prague and Istanbul to Albuquerque and New York City, her relationship retreats receive rave reviews from some of the most powerful couples in the world who are drawn to her enthusiastic, practical and no-nonsense approach to happily ever after. Jess's doctoral research focused on sexual health and relationship education and she is passionate about accessible, classroom-based education. When she isn't globetrotting for speaking engagements, she volunteers with students, teachers and social service organizations to empower young people to embrace healthy, happy relationships. As a global ambassador for several brands, Jess contributes regularly to the biggest names in international media. You'll find her advice weekly in the likes of Women's Health, Men's Fitness, Cosmopolitan, SELF, Showtime and The Movie Network. Her insights into couple' issues reaches millions of homes across America as the host of the hit reality series Swing, which just capped its fifth season on PlayboyTV. Canadian-born and Chinese-Jamaican and Irish by descent, Dr. Jess loves ultimate frisbee, crab, airplane turbulence, cheese and red wine. Makes perfect sense, right?"
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