In my first article, How Your Mind Thinks About Sex, I showed you how your mind is a 24/7 non-stop thinking and feeling machine. It is designed to take information from the past, bring it to the present moment, and project it into the future anticipating an endless string of possible outcomes.
This is great if you are brainstorming a new idea for a project at work but not exactly what you want if you desire to increase your focus on your sexual pleasure in the present moment. To do that, you need to practice sexual mindfulness.
The Four Characteristics of Mindfulness
Mindfulness is being fully aware of the present moment with all five senses. All mindful moments have four characteristics. They are: (1) present-centered, (2) non-judgmental (3) non-conceptual, and (4) non-verbal.
- Present-Centered means that the focus of mindful moments is always the present, never the past or the future.
- Non-Judgmental means that instead of judging or evaluating what you are experiencing you simply notice what is going on and accept it for what it is.
- Non-Conceptual means non-thinking. There is a difference between just noticing and thinking. Thinking involves planning, figuring things out, sorting things out, and solving problems. Planning, figuring out, sorting out, and solving problems takes you out of just noticing the present moment.
- Non-Verbal means there is no talking that goes on during mindful moments. Whenever you add speech to a mindful moment, you take it to a different conceptual level that takes you out of just noticing and into higher-level thinking.
An Example of Four-Dimensional Sex
Let me give you a sexual example and show you how these four dimensions play out when making love with your partner. Imagine that you are making love with your partner. If you were doing it mindfully here is what would be going on:
Present-Centered — You would be fully attentive to what is going on with your partner. You would be experiencing your partner with all five senses as you tasted, touched, smelled, watched, and listened to her moan with passion. You would notice and accept how your bodies intertwined and moved together as you have sex. Your thoughts would not drift to something that happened yesterday or might happen tomorrow.
Non-Conceptual — Instead of trying to figure out what is going on and what might happen, you would simply note what is happening and enjoy it. You wouldn’t try to figure out or anticipate anything. You would simply notice and accept your sexual experience for what it is and allow it to play out however it does.
Non-Judgmental — You wouldn’t judge or compare your partner or your sexual experience to any other. You would simply enjoy and accept your partner and your lovemaking for what it is, not for what it could be or should be according to some societal or cultural standards.
Non-Verbal — You wouldn’t talk a lot. You would communicate what had to be said with your body through moans and body and eye movements.
Imagine what your sex life would be like if you could approach each sexual experience in such a mindful way.
Unleash Your Sensuality
Sexual mindfulness teaches you how to train your mind to stay in the present moment and be fully aware of what is going on in your inside (thoughts, feelings, etc.) and outside (sounds, sights, smells, etc.) environments. In a way, it is also training your mind to be more sensual. Sexual mindfulness training will teach you how to unleash the power of your sexual mind and enhance all of your sexual experiences with yourself and your partner(s).
In my next article, I'll discuss how to be more mindful of your sexual identity — what it means to you to be a sexual person.