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How To Reignite The Sexual Spark

Dr. Jess     
’ll be outlining one suggested change you can make to kick-start your sex life and reignite the spark in your relationship.

If you find that the sexual spark has faded with time, you’re not alone. Every relationship will experience its share of ups and downs and this is a good thing. You can’t always be on a sexual high, as even a plateau can become monotonous without change.

For the next three weeks, I’ll be outlining one suggested change you can make to kick-start your sex life and reignite the spark in your relationship.


Your first task: Schedule sex secretly.


You’ve probably heard that scheduling sex is essential for busy couples, but my clients complain that penciling in time for sex detracts from the thrill of spontaneity. In response to their feedback (and eye-rolling), I now ask each partner to secretly schedule sex at a time that will most likely accommodate both of their schedules.

This means that rather than designating Wednesday night as date night, each person plans to initiate sex once per week. They decide in advance when and how they’re going to do so and they make a commitment to themselves to follow through. This has worked out well for most of the couples I work with, as it forces them to share the task of initiating sex and encourages them to get creative with their scheduling. And though the element of spontaneity may be undermined by the need to schedule sex, by taking turns with their lover, each partner gets a “surprise” sex session at some point throughout the week.

Some set their alarms 20 minutes early on a Tuesday morning and keep blindfolds on hand to counteract what they describe as the “harsh” morning light. Others plan elaborate evenings that involve bubble baths and sensual massage. If they have an exceptionally busy week or have physical limitations that preclude certain types of sex, I remind them to get creative with their hands, mouths and toys. While some can mark off a date, time and plan of action in their minds, others will tell me their plans in advance or book it into their calendars to increase their sense of accountability.

The drawback with the secret schedule is that they can’t rely on their partners to remind them or collaborate in executing their plans. However, if they’re committed to improving their sexual relationships (and 95% of my clients are highly committed to doing so), they’ll follow through and report back smiling from ear-to-ear.




If you’re looking to reignite the spark in your relationships, try secretly scheduling sex some time in the next few days. Make a commitment to yourself to follow through even if you’re tired or busy and let me know how it goes! Check back soon for another strategy to help keep the fire burning between the sheets...

Dr. Jess

"An award-winning speaker, Jess has worked with thousands of couples from all corners of the globe to transform their relationships via her wildly successful Marriage As A Business program. From Prague and Istanbul to Albuquerque and New York City, her relationship retreats receive rave reviews from some of the most powerful couples in the world who are drawn to her enthusiastic, practical and no-nonsense approach to happily ever after. Jess's doctoral research focused on sexual health and relationship education and she is passionate about accessible, classroom-based education. When she isn't globetrotting for speaking engagements, she volunteers with students, teachers and social service organizations to empower young people to embrace healthy, happy relationships. As a global ambassador for several brands, Jess contributes regularly to the biggest names in international media. You'll find her advice weekly in the likes of Women's Health, Men's Fitness, Cosmopolitan, SELF, Showtime and The Movie Network. Her insights into couple' issues reaches millions of homes across America as the host of the hit reality series Swing, which just capped its fifth season on PlayboyTV. Canadian-born and Chinese-Jamaican and Irish by descent, Dr. Jess loves ultimate frisbee, crab, airplane turbulence, cheese and red wine. Makes perfect sense, right?"
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