How to Introduce Sex Toys: Advice for Couples

Dr. Jess     
I recently hosted a women’s workshop in which a number of questions about sex toys kept coming up.

I recently hosted a women’s workshop in which a number of questions about sex toys kept coming up. Since so many of us share similar questions and concerns, I’ve decided to post the answers below…


Question: I’ve heard that sex toys are common — even for couples, but I’m afraid to bring up the subject to my boyfriend, because I don’t know how he’ll react. Do you have any advice to make it easier?


You’re absolutely right. Many women and men use sex toys and research suggests that those who use them actually report higher levels of sexual satisfaction. Woohoo! And though more women are willing to admit to owning a sex toy, men’s attitudes are also overwhelmingly positive with 70% reporting that they don’t find them intimidating.

To start the conversation with your partner, consider these strategies:

  1. Talk openly about your interests and desires. If you’re comfortable talking about sex, it will help to put your partner at ease. And avoid talking about hot topics right before or right after sex when your hormones and emotions are running high.
  2. Be positive. Offer lots of reassurance and appreciation for your already hot sex life, so that your interest in sex toys isn’t perceived as a complaint. We are all sensitive about our sex lives and it’s important to let your partner know just how great s/he is.
  3. Connect the toys to something your partner is already doing. For example, he likely already knows how to touch your hot spots, so build on his skills: “Wow! It felt so good when you touched me there. It’s so sensitive. I’d love to try it with some lube and maybe even vibrations.”

Question: My husband is willing to entertain the idea of playing with toys, but I can tell he feels a bit intimidated by some of the toys we’ve looked at online. What are some good toys for newbies?


If your partner is intimidated by the thought of a toy “replacing him,” begin with toys that are less threatening: a small one that doesn’t look exactly like a penis may be a good introductory toy.

Vibrators the size of your pinky-finger can pack a lot of punch and hit all your sensitive spots — we all know that good things come in small packages!

You may also want to choose a toy that you can use together. There are now items on the market designed specifically for use during intercourse. The new We-Vibe stimulates the G-Spot, the clitoral head and the penile shaft. It even comes with a remote control, which my clients seem to love!


Question: Is it better to shop for sex toys together, or surprise your partner by purchasing a toy that you’re interested in?


That will depend on your partner’s attitude toward sex toys, which you can likely gauge through casual conversation and experience. If you already own a toy or two, leaving a surprise gift on the bedside is a great way to initiate an evening of intimacy.

Whereas if it’s your first toy, you may want to be a bit more cautious. Try to gauge your partner’s feelings about toys by asking or bringing it up in casual conversation. For example, you might test the waters with: “Ooh! I had my phone on vibrate when you called and it felt so nice against my thighs. Maybe we should try a vibrator…what do you think?”

In terms of shopping for sex toys together, it can actually be a lot of fun! In fact, many women say that shopping for toys actually puts them in the mood for sex. And now you can do it in your PJs or birthday suit from the comfort of your living room. Check out online retailer, Ohhh Canada – my clients like them for their expertise and sex-positive customer service.




Have fun exploring and remember to always practice safer sex!

Dr. Jess

"An award-winning speaker, Jess has worked with thousands of couples from all corners of the globe to transform their relationships via her wildly successful Marriage As A Business program. From Prague and Istanbul to Albuquerque and New York City, her relationship retreats receive rave reviews from some of the most powerful couples in the world who are drawn to her enthusiastic, practical and no-nonsense approach to happily ever after. Jess's doctoral research focused on sexual health and relationship education and she is passionate about accessible, classroom-based education. When she isn't globetrotting for speaking engagements, she volunteers with students, teachers and social service organizations to empower young people to embrace healthy, happy relationships. As a global ambassador for several brands, Jess contributes regularly to the biggest names in international media. You'll find her advice weekly in the likes of Women's Health, Men's Fitness, Cosmopolitan, SELF, Showtime and The Movie Network. Her insights into couple' issues reaches millions of homes across America as the host of the hit reality series Swing, which just capped its fifth season on PlayboyTV. Canadian-born and Chinese-Jamaican and Irish by descent, Dr. Jess loves ultimate frisbee, crab, airplane turbulence, cheese and red wine. Makes perfect sense, right?"
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