Reclaim Your Sexual Identity!

When it comes to sexual identities, there are so many to name and so many to choose from.

“Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me.”
– Children’s Taunt

When it comes to sexual identities, there are so many to name and so many to choose from. Depending on your evolution of self, you can figure out which one works for you. I had a recent lover who asked me if I was polyamorous. I told them that I understand polyamory theoretically and academically, but putting it into practice wasn’t my thing (I did try it and figured out that it wasn’t for me) and that I belong to another non-monogamous group of ‘monogamish.’ The fact is I really can’t deal with more than one emotional relationship at a time (I just don’t have the patience for it, nor the time).


Titles Used as Insults


For many years, words such as ‘queer,’ ‘pervert,’ and ‘freak’ were deemed as “bad” words, used to insult people for their “deviant” behaviors. Things that were considered different from procreation and missionary position were looked down upon and some of those beliefs are still considered true today in some cultures.

Because we are living in the information age, a lot of people have access to various sexual phenomena and find themselves being able to name their particular sexual quirks. From kinksters to swingers to sploshers, there’s always something empowering about taking back a word that has insulted you in the past or was considered deviant.


What Queer Meant to Me


I remember being in San Francisco and learning that I was one of the queers. It was a great word for me. It described everything that I was: different, unique, sexually powerful and confident in what I wanted and whom I wanted. I learned later on that it was a word that had been used as a negative for people in the past (I grew up in a small town where the word ‘queer’ wasn’t even in my vocabulary).

This struck a chord with me. It made me believe that it doesn’t matter what you think sometimes. Sometimes, it matters what other people think of you.


Take Your Power Back


If you feel powerful with words that have been used as a negative, people can see how that energy affects you. People can see how powerful and confident you are if you embrace the words. Then, they know that the words that they see as a negative for you aren’t a negative to you -- and then, they’re left with less power than they perceived in the first place. However, if you don’t portray that confidence in your identity, it will eventually eat at you and then you start placing other people’s feelings on your identity. This can harm your self-worth and debilitate your self-esteem. And personally, it’s not worth it.




All this to say that from the bottom of my heart, I want you to embrace your inner queer, your inner pervert, your inner freak, your kinky self, and overall your sexual self. Embrace that inner Jezebel, that Don Juan, that loving body. Love the body you’re in. Love the body you’re on. Love the body you’re inside of. Embrace you. Cheers to your sexual success! “Sticks and stones may break my bones, but chains and whips excite me!” – Rihanna (and all those other perverts in the world)

Marla Stewart

Marla Renee Stewart, MA is a professional sex, intimacy and relationship coach and sex educator. Not only is she a lecturer at Clayton State University, she is also the co-founder of the Sex Down South Conference and the Sexual Liberation Collective. Gaining her reputation for being "The Sex Architect", she created Velvet Lips to empower people of all ages to embrace, educate and enjoy their sexuality and their sexual lives. She has studied human sexuality for more than 16 years at San Francisco State University and Georgia State University, respectively, and has expert knowledge in a wide variety of subjects. She has published academic articles and continues to do sexuality research. She has conducted workshops at conferences, not-for-profit and private organizations, as well as universities in the Atlanta area. She has been featured on many radio shows, documentaries, books, magazines and has been invited to speak at Universities around the country. She also sits on the board for the Atlanta Harm Reduction Coalition and SPARK Reproductive Justice Now!
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