It’s All In Your Head
Dr. Jess     
A mind is a terrible thing to waste -- especially when it comes to sex.

This post is intended for those over the age of 18. If you are not yet 18, please visit www.spiderbytes.ca for reliable information on human sexuality.

A mind is a terrible thing to waste -- especially when it comes to sex. The brain is not usually what comes to mind when we think about sex organs, but it has the potential to be our most powerful tool for accessing mind-blowing sex.


The Science of Sex


From a physiological standpoint, the mind controls our sexual response through its interplay with and interpretation of the autonomic nervous system. This system controls involuntary sexual responses and induces relaxation and arousal. But enough abut the science of it…

Our minds allow us to fantasize about anything -- even the impossible or seemingly unattainable. And fantasies are healthy and normal. A good fantasy can be better than physical sex, because we’re in control of every last detail and can force events to play out perfectly to our liking. Unlike physical sex, which can be interrupted by a phone call, kids, parents or the Avon lady calling, fantasy sex occurs within the vacuum of the mind. We choose our fantasy partners, locales and sexual activities at will and can change our minds as we go without penalty.


Let Your Mind Turn Them On


Don’t be overly concerned about the content of your fantasies. All types of fantasies are healthy as long as you can separate them from reality and accept (and sometimes appreciate) that you may not be able to fulfill them. For many, a fantasy in mind is even better than a fantasy fulfilled, as reality creates potential for letdown. Trust me on this one.

When you’re tired, but horny and still want to be a decent sexual partner, you can let your mind (and vocal cords) do all the work. If you’re too exhausted to wriggle around, let alone try out that new twist-and-shout move, you can use your words to titillate your partners to the point of no return. Once you learn about their fantasies, sex for the lazy (or tired) gets easier. You can tell them about how you thought of them and got wet/hard earlier that day or about all the men and/or women you’d like to see them with. You can describe these fantasy partners in minute detail to reel your partners in without physically tiring yourself out. For the tamer, consider telling them that you saw a guy/girl checking them out and it made you want them even more or describe a location and situation in which you’d love to cater to their every sexual need.


Discover their Mental Trigger Points


Feel out their responses to understand their mental trigger points and build on them. If you’re partner loves to hear about sex in exotic/public places, keep changing the scenarios to add variety. Tie in real-life elements (sex in the workplace or in the car) to make it seem attainable and further entrench their interest. And if your fantasies are highly divergent (they like sex in public places and you just love the chill of handcuffs) combine your fantasies to create a new script (sex in the park with the pigeons watching while you’re tied up to the bench). Talking about or envisioning an ultimate scenario, partner, body part or other fantasy object right before climax can enhance your body’s response and intensify your orgasmic experience.

And don’t worry about stretching the truth a little. In a committed relationship with open communication, telling your partner that you’d love to see your boss go down on her doesn’t mean you need to explore this in reality. In fact, you should discuss these things before and after sex to confirm the fantasy status, express concerns and offer reassurances as needed. Proceed with caution when discussing sensitive issues or those that could arouse jealousy and be mindful of your partners’ insecurities. For those having un-partnered sex, you’re the lucky ones, because you don’t have to worry about anyone but yourself.


Hey Big Talker...


Talking during sex may seem foreign to some and is essential to others. To get used to it, consider starting with a few short phrases that highlight how damn good it feels. Compliments will take you a long way and your partners won’t complain that you’re talking too much if you’re stroking their egos while stroking their…

Fantasy is not cheating and it’s not realistic to assume that your partners will be the only objects of your sexual interest from now until eternity. We are sexual beings and a wide range of sexual thoughts are natural. So take advantage of them and enjoy your wandering minds.




I don’t think there is a single physical “move” or “technique” that can compare with the power of sexy thought and sexy talk. And just like our physical tastes, fantasies vary widely, so you’ll have to experiment to find your own and those of your partners. Luckily, these desires are constantly undergoing change, so the potential for mind-blowing sex is infinite and should never get boring. Have fun and please practice safer sex.

Dr. Jess

"An award-winning speaker, Jess has worked with thousands of couples from all corners of the globe to transform their relationships via her wildly successful Marriage As A Business program. From Prague and Istanbul to Albuquerque and New York City, her relationship retreats receive rave reviews from some of the most powerful couples in the world who are drawn to her enthusiastic, practical and no-nonsense approach to happily ever after. Jess's doctoral research focused on sexual health and relationship education and she is passionate about accessible, classroom-based education. When she isn't globetrotting for speaking engagements, she volunteers with students, teachers and social service organizations to empower young people to embrace healthy, happy relationships. As a global ambassador for several brands, Jess contributes regularly to the biggest names in international media. You'll find her advice weekly in the likes of Women's Health, Men's Fitness, Cosmopolitan, SELF, Showtime and The Movie Network. Her insights into couple' issues reaches millions of homes across America as the host of the hit reality series Swing, which just capped its fifth season on PlayboyTV. Canadian-born and Chinese-Jamaican and Irish by descent, Dr. Jess loves ultimate frisbee, crab, airplane turbulence, cheese and red wine. Makes perfect sense, right?"
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