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Should You Fake It?

Dr. Jess     
A one-off performance may not cause much damage, but tread lightly, as faking can easily become a bad habit.

Should you fake orgasms?

Probably not. A one-off performance may not cause much damage, but tread lightly, as faking can easily become a bad habit.

In a perfect world, you wouldn’t need to fake orgasms for your own sake or your partner’s. However, the reality is that almost all women have put on an Oscar-worthy performance at least once.

But why do women fake orgasms? These are a few of the reasons I’ve heard:

“I just needed to get him out of there! Like ASAP.”

“He had no clue what he was doing — and he wasn’t about to figure it out in the next 20 minutes, so I ended it”

“It just makes him happy.”

“I don’t even know what an orgasm really feels like.”

“I knew it just wasn’t going to happen. Sometimes you just know.”

“I didn’t want to hurt his feelings.”

“He kept asking if I’d come yet — that gets annoying, right?”

“It was getting late and I had an early morning.”

Pressure on both sides

Whatever your reason for faking, you’re in good (or at least common) company. Research suggests that most women will fake an orgasm at some point in their lives. And apparently their male partners are none the wiser. The National Survey of Sexual Health and Behavior found that 85% of men believed that their female partners achieved orgasm during their last sex session. But only 64% of women reported the same. Talk about a gender gap.

Sex is supposed to be one of those things you do because it feels good — not because you feel pressure to do so. The flip side is that your partner shouldn’t feel pressure to perform or “give” you an orgasm. If you pretend to like something that doesn’t really tickle your fancy, you’re ultimately leading your partner down the wrong path and chances are you’ll get more of what you don’t like in the future.

Positive reinforcement

Of course you want to offer some positive reinforcement and elements of exaggeration can certainly play a fun role in the bedroom, but not at the expense of your own pleasure. So the next time you’re getting down and not genuinely feeling the vibe, instead of amping up your dramatic performance, take your partner by the hand (or penis or mouth) and offer some guidance. You don’t need to kill the moment altogether or complain, “This isn’t doing it for me,” but offer good natured reminders or suggestions that enhance the mood: “I love when you use your hands” or “I really like when you’re more/less aggressive.”

While being honest may be challenging at first, open communication underscored by respect and consideration should pay off in the long run for both your sex life and your relationship.

Dr. Jess

"An award-winning speaker, Jess has worked with thousands of couples from all corners of the globe to transform their relationships via her wildly successful Marriage As A Business program. From Prague and Istanbul to Albuquerque and New York City, her relationship retreats receive rave reviews from some of the most powerful couples in the world who are drawn to her enthusiastic, practical and no-nonsense approach to happily ever after. Jess's doctoral research focused on sexual health and relationship education and she is passionate about accessible, classroom-based education. When she isn't globetrotting for speaking engagements, she volunteers with students, teachers and social service organizations to empower young people to embrace healthy, happy relationships. As a global ambassador for several brands, Jess contributes regularly to the biggest names in international media. You'll find her advice weekly in the likes of Women's Health, Men's Fitness, Cosmopolitan, SELF, Showtime and The Movie Network. Her insights into couple' issues reaches millions of homes across America as the host of the hit reality series Swing, which just capped its fifth season on PlayboyTV. Canadian-born and Chinese-Jamaican and Irish by descent, Dr. Jess loves ultimate frisbee, crab, airplane turbulence, cheese and red wine. Makes perfect sense, right?"
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