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Are You a Judgmental Lover?

SDC Dr Rich Blonna Sexual Mindfulness Therapy Training Sexuality Identity Self Love
SDC Dr Rich Blonna Sexual Mindfulness Therapy Training Sexuality Identity Self Love
Becoming more mindful of your self-talk regarding your sexuality will help you start being more accepting and less judgmental of yourself and others.

If you remember from past articles, one of the key things about mindful moments is that they are non-judgmental. 

  • What does this mean in terms of your sexuality? 
  • How can you train yourself to look at your personal sexuality and your lovemaking in a truly non-judgmental way? 
  • Why is this even important?

In this article, I’ll answer all of those questions starting with the first one.


Why Being Non-Judgmental is Important


The main reason being non-judgmental is important is because it allows you to appreciate the present moment and give it 100% of your attention. Being judgmental means that you are constantly comparing your sexuality to some societal standard. You apply this to your personal sexuality with body image comparisons.

  • Is my cock big enough?
  • Are my tits too small?
  • Is my ass drooping?
  • Do my love handles stick out too much?

I could go on forever with such questions, but they all have one thing in common — they judge your body or body parts against some arbitrary standard for sexiness and beauty established by others. Usually, these standards for perfection are set by the cosmetics, clothing, fitness, and entertainment industries who are eager to sell you their products. 

In reality, none of these issues matter in terms of sexual satisfaction. Small cocks and tits are equally sensitive and capable of providing pleasure and joy as larger ones. Droopy asses and love handles provide a little more to hang onto and play with but have little to do with sexual response and pleasure. 

Judgments also apply to your sexual behavior and response. You’ve probably compared your sexual behavior and response to standards set by others instead of yourself. 

  • How come it takes me __ minutes to get it up?
  • I only had sex _ times today/this week, what is wrong with me?
  • We are not fucking as much as we did twenty years ago; what is wrong?
  • It takes me much longer to come now than it did when I was 20; how can I fix this?
  • I talked to _____, and she comes at least __ times when she has sex with ____, what is wrong with me?

Questions like this lead to judgments of your own sexual behavior and response and comparisons to arbitrary standards set by others. You are constantly bombarded with advertisements for products and techniques that guarantee more sex, longer sex, harder sex, and a hundred other promises. If you don’t meet the level of performance advertised, you feel either let down or dissatisfied with your own behavior and response. 

I’m not saying it is wrong to assess your body, sexual behavior, and sexual response and look for ways to improve it if that is consistent with your values or if you have a real problem. What I am trying to say is that by constantly judging and comparing yourself against some arbitrary societal standards and not your own sexual values and personal criteria for happiness, you are setting yourself up for unhappiness, dissatisfaction, and even sexual dysfunction.

At some point, it is important to be comfortable in your own skin and with your own standards. It is OK to have an average body or look like a fitness god/goddess, have one partner or ten, and have sex once a week or five times a day. The important thing is that the standards are yours, based on your values, and not set by others.


How Sexual Mindfulness Can Help


You’ve already taken the first step to becoming more accepting of yourself and less judgmental of your sexuality. If you’ve read my first five or six articles, you know the truth about your sexual identity and how all of its components work together

Now, you’ve got to start working on the acceptance part. This is where informal mindfulness training can help. Informal mindfulness training uses simple exercises to help you pay attention to what your mind is telling you (your self-talk) about your sexuality. You can then use this information to see if this self-talk matches what you really value and who you are as a sexual person. 

When your mind tells you stuff that isn’t helpful, you can stop and say: “There goes my runaway mind again telling me things that are undermining my sexual happiness,” and shift your focus off of those thoughts. We’ll get to this shifting of your focus in a later article. Right now, I want to give you a simple exercise to help you begin to look at how your mind judges things.


Internal Mindfulness Training Exercise: Sexual Descriptions vs. Judgments


Purpose: As we discussed, informal mindfulness training revolves around increasing attention to the present moment focusing on the internal and external environments. The purpose of this activity is to help you become more aware of your thoughts about sex and gender without judging or evaluating them.

Instructions: 

1. Read each statement and decide whether the statement describes or judges the subject. 

2. Put a checkmark under either the description or judgment columns. 

3. Do not read the answers until you have finished checking off all of the statements.                

D = Description | J = Judgment | The Statement

1.    D  J  My cock is 6 inches when erect.

2.    D  J  Six inches isn’t very big for a cock.

3.    D  J  I wear a 32A size bra.

4.    D  J  A 32A isn’t very sexy.

5.    D  J  He lasts about 15 minutes when we fuck.

6.    D  J  He doesn’t last very long when we fuck.

7.    D  J  My wife wants to wear a string bikini.

8.    D  J  My wife is way too fat to wear any kind of bikini.

9.    D  J  I like to wear my old red, white and blue, racing bathing suit.

10.  D  J  I look ridiculous with my belly hanging out over my old racing bathing suit.

11.  D  J  My first wife was turned on by both men and women.

12.  D  J  My first wife was bisexual, how disgusting.

13.  D  J  He likes oral sex a lot.

14.  D  J  All he ever thinks about is blowjobs.

15.  D  J  She really wants to get into pegging.

16.  D  J  Pegging is really gay and disgusting.

17.  D  J  We don't have sex as much as we did when we were in our 20s.

18.  D  J  Something is wrong with us because we don't have sex as much as we did in our 20s.

19.  D  J  It takes me longer to get it up now that I am 60 than it did when I was in my 20s.

20.  D  J  I am less of a man because it takes me longer to get it up now that I am 60.

 

Answers:

1.  D     11.  D

2.   J     12.   J

3.   D    13.  D

4.   J     14.   J

5.   D    15.  D

6.   J     16.   J

7.   D    17.   D

8.   J     18.   J

9.   D    19.  D

10.  J    20.   J

Becoming more mindful of your self-talk regarding your sexuality will help you start being more accepting and less judgmental of yourself and others. This also pays instant dividends as your partners begin to feel more appreciated and accepted. 

We’ll continue this discussion of informal mindfulness training in my next article.


Dr. Rich Blonna

Dr. Rich is not a swinger. He is an SDC author/contributor who has written books and developed self-help courses that will help members of the SDC community enhance their sexuality and relationships. He is a a noted author, teacher, trainer, and coach. He has helped thousands of students and clients from across the globe improve their sex lives. He is a world-renowned expert in understanding how the mind and body work together to enhance sexual pleasure. He is a retired Professor Emeritus from William Paterson University in NJ, where he taught Human Sexuality for 28 years. As a nationally-certified Coach (BCC), Counselor (NCC), and Health Education Specialist (CHES), he uses the best practices from these disciplines to help you get the most out of your sex life. He is one of the pioneers of Acceptance and Commitment (AC) Coaching, an approach that helps you become more psychologically-flexible and unleash the power of your sexual mind to get the most out of your sex life. Dr. Rich is also certified in Naikan and Morita, two forms of Japanese psychology that use mindfulness and acceptance to help you shift your focus off of your unhelpful sexual thoughts and feelings, and onto acting in ways that enhance your sex life and relationships. He is the author of several books, adult-learning courses, and training materials that integrate this approach into the field of human sexuality.
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2 Comments
  • Anonymous
DRRICHBLONNA
Nov 15, 2020
Thanks CDAFC, being less-critical and more accepting of yourself is a key part of becoming more sexually mindful.
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CDAFC
Oct 29, 2020
Very good article! I just realized i was judgmental about myself but not about the others. I will cut myself some slack going forward. :)
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