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How to Talk About Sex!

Dr. Jess     
What’s the best way to talk to your lover about sex? Read this excerpt from Dr. Jess’s book, Hot Sex: Tips, Tricks and Licks.

This article is excerpted from Dr. Jess’s book, Hot Sex: Tips, Tricks and Licks (2013).

Oral sex isn’t always about getting on your knees and puckering up. Some of the best oral sex (think long-term payoff) can be taken care of standing up or sitting at the dinner table -- through real, honest communication. Getting oral with your partner is probably the most important thing you can do to cultivate a red-hot sexual relationship. So start talking!

It may not be easy to do, but the more you practice, the easier it gets. If a topic is awkward, use these four tips to get started:


Talk when the time is right.


Initiating a serious conversation about sex right before you’re about to get hot and heavy isn’t always ideal. You’re more likely to rush through the discussion if your goal is really to get down to business. So set some time aside when sex is off the table: Start talking about sex while you’re out for coffee, having lunch, or driving to work.


Be honest with yourself first.


To communicate effectively with your partner, you first need to know exactly what you want. Take some time to jot down your needs as well as your biggest fears. Bring these to the table when you talk to your partner and be honest about your vulnerabilities and uncertainties.

Talking openly about your insecurities helps your partner understand your perspective and reduces the likelihood that you’ll manifest those issues in an untoward (and less attractive) manner at a later date.


Make requests, not complaints.


Talk about your hottest turn-ons and steadfast turn-offs, but be mindful that sex is a highly sensitive subject.

Frame your statements in terms of personal feelings, as opposed to attacks and accusations. If there is something your partner does that drives you crazy (and not in a good way), try expressing yourself in terms of preference rather than criticism: “I prefer when you suck hard as opposed to tickling with just the tip of your tongue.” Straightforwardness and tact need not be mutually exclusive.


Listen and ask questions.


The sex talk will be easier and smoother if it’s a two-way exchange as opposed to a lecture. If you’re naturally more inclined toward verbal expression than your partner, take a step back and encourage him or her to open up so that the conversations isn’t one-sided. Listen intently and ask for clarification as needed.




Those who report the highest levels of sexual satisfaction often spend more time talking about sex than having sex. Some even say that serious sexual conversations increase their sex drive because their erotic juices start flowing in their minds, lips, and bodies. Enjoy these tips and remember to always practice safer sex! This article was excerpted from: Hot Sex: Tips, Tricks and Licks (2013) by Dr. Jessica O'Reilly

Dr. Jess

"An award-winning speaker, Jess has worked with thousands of couples from all corners of the globe to transform their relationships via her wildly successful Marriage As A Business program. From Prague and Istanbul to Albuquerque and New York City, her relationship retreats receive rave reviews from some of the most powerful couples in the world who are drawn to her enthusiastic, practical and no-nonsense approach to happily ever after. Jess's doctoral research focused on sexual health and relationship education and she is passionate about accessible, classroom-based education. When she isn't globetrotting for speaking engagements, she volunteers with students, teachers and social service organizations to empower young people to embrace healthy, happy relationships. As a global ambassador for several brands, Jess contributes regularly to the biggest names in international media. You'll find her advice weekly in the likes of Women's Health, Men's Fitness, Cosmopolitan, SELF, Showtime and The Movie Network. Her insights into couple' issues reaches millions of homes across America as the host of the hit reality series Swing, which just capped its fifth season on PlayboyTV. Canadian-born and Chinese-Jamaican and Irish by descent, Dr. Jess loves ultimate frisbee, crab, airplane turbulence, cheese and red wine. Makes perfect sense, right?"
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