A True Story as told by Ariel Andrews for ASN Lifestyle Magazine
I am trashed as fuck. Just had a totally random, crazy night of dirty sex (I’m sorry, if you’re 70+, you’re in the crazy/dirty category). We did all of the good stuff. No, not me and the 70-year-old, unfortunately, but me and the substances. Oh yes, and my sexy friends.
It’s about 6:00 am at my friend’s house, the sun is just rising. Of course, our rockstar-status-asses did not sleep and have been going long and strong (thank God).
My male friend and I step out onto the patio to smoke a cigarette together. And damn, isn’t that after-sex cigarette stuff of the Gods?! I’m wrapped in some blanket I found somewhere, probably on the floor, mascara smeared down to my knees, looking like the sexorcist. He’s butt-ass naked with no idea where all the dirt marks came from. He cooly lights my cigarette, then his, and then says to me in the most plain manner, “You know what? You give lazy head.”
BOOM! Dead! There goes my ego, splattered all over the floor. I had just been shot with an M16, with very little hope of surviving. I thought I might need CPR (Cock Penetration Resuscitation). But wait, no, I’m good. It’s too sore.
The scary part, though, is that it is (was) 100% true.
From Sucky Blow Jobs to Head from Heaven
My confession is that, since day one, at 13 years old, I was just never interested in sucking the dick. Not that I didn’t love the dick; no, I’m a total cock worshipper. I really just wanted it inside me as fast as possible. Hey, that’s really where it belongs, right? And I thought my pussy was dynamite, so did I really have to put in that much effort? Surely my other amazing holes will more than makeup for the difference, plus interest. Giving head is basically an entire P90x workout, with a shake weight in your working hand and the plastic things that stretch your mouth out at the dentist. Add passing out from lack of oxygen, especially if you have a stuffy snot nose, and the only thing cumming is me to the conclusion that blow jobs suck.
However. What is much worse than sucky, hypoxic, muscle-achy, jaw-breaking blow jobs? BEING KNOWN AS THE GIRL WHO GIVES LAZY HEAD!!! I absolutely REFUSED to NOT BE THE BEST! I mean, I have the best other holes, right? JK. I wanted to be known as the total sex goddess that I actually felt I was!!
So, it was time to get down and dirty, on my knees, with lots of elbow grease, and show these men what it looks like from heaven.
Now I know the right way to give some good head. They like it deep and sloppy, with sound effects. Swallow it down to your clavicle, get those gag reflexes gushing with spit, choke on it a few times, then pull that fat dick out, smear your mascara with it, thwap it across your face a bunch of times and call it daddy. Two hands! Keep both hands on deck while working this ship. It’s full of seamen, and you’re not done until they’re all out!
And that, my dear friends, is how I became so popular. Now, with most plays, I show them what I’m made of!
P.S. I recently just learned to use waterproof mascara. Now I am a pro!
This article originally appeared in the July 2020 issue of ASN Lifestyle Magazine.