Mindful Oral Sex for Him
SDC Dr Rich Blonna Sexual Mindfulness Training Oral Sex Men Penis Couple
SDC Dr Rich Blonna Sexual Mindfulness Training Oral Sex Men Penis Couple
Giving your partner your deliberate and lingering attention is an excellent way to practice sexual mindfulness together. Here's how to take penis-pleasing to the next level.

Oral sex is the stimulation of your partner’s genitals with your lips, mouth, tongue, and face. The three main types of oral sex are fellatio (mouth-to-penis contact), cunnilingus (mouth-to-vulva contact), and anilingus (mouth-to-anus contact). All three are common forms of sexual expression for straight, gay, lesbian, and bisexual people.

Going down on your partner allows them to be passive while you take control. This activity shifts the focus off of the self and onto the partner. It also introduces oral sex into the relationship in a very non-threatening way. Going down on your partner is a selfless act that can substitute for intercourse.


Sexual Mindfulness Activity: Mindful Oral Sex for Him


Instructions

1. Lie down next to your partner on the bed so you can face him as you give him oral sex. 

2. Spend a few moments just noticing your partner’s penis and scrotum.

3. Get close and examine his penis, testicles and scrotum, and his perineum (the area between his scrotum and anal opening).

4. Imagine that you are a scientist taking notes about the size, shape, color, and texture of your partner’s genitals.

PAUSE A FEW SECONDS

5. Now close your eyes and examine your partner’s genitals using your senses of touch, smell, and taste.

6. Use your nose, cheeks, face, head, and hair to examine your partner’s penis, scrotum, and entire genital area. If he is uncircumcised, gently retract his foreskin and continue your exploration, and the rest of the activity with his foreskin retracted.

PAUSE A FEW SECONDS

7. Now take a quick taste. You just washed your partner’s genitals, so they are clean. Suck or lick any part of your partner’s genitals and get a taste of things to come. 

Notice your thoughts, self-talk, mental images, and emotions about experiencing your partner’s genitals with all five of your senses.

If your mind wanders into the future or the past or fills with unhelpful thoughts and feelings, note that this is happening and say to yourself, “There goes my runaway mind again, taking me out of the present moment,” and focus on your partner’s genitals.

8. Lightly swirl your fingertips and the back of your fingers around your partner’s penis, scrotum, and entire pubic area. 

PAUSE A FEW SECONDS

9. Gently rake your fingernails over the same area.

PAUSE A FEW SECONDS

10. Notice the effects of your fingers on your partner.

PAUSE A FEW SECONDS

11. Continue to do this for a little while.

PAUSE A FEW SECONDS

12. Relax — you have nowhere to go and nothing to do except please your partner.

PAUSE A FEW SECONDS

13. Now get comfortable kneeling or lying next to your partner so you can easily take your partner’s penis into your mouth. 

14. Take a few seconds to find your most comfortable position. 

PAUSE A FEW SECONDS

15. Gently lick your partner’s penis, scrotum, and entire public area for a few moments. 

PAUSE A FEW SECONDS

16. Notice the effects of your movements on your partner’s penis, scrotum, and the rest of his body.

PAUSE A FEW SECONDS

17. Now take your partner’s penis into your mouth. If he is erect, you can control how much of his penis you take by holding it in your hand. This will keep you from gagging by accidentally taking in more than is comfortable.

PAUSE A FEW SECONDS

18. Gently suck on your partner’s penis as you move your head back-and-forth to create an in-and-out motion. This simulates him thrusting his penis in and out of you.

PAUSE A FEW SECONDS

Notice your thoughts, self-talk, mental images, and emotions as you begin to lick and suck on your partner’s penis.

If your mind wanders into the future or the past or fills with unhelpful thoughts and feelings, note that this is happening and say to yourself, “There goes my runaway mind again, taking me out of the present moment,” and focus on your partner’s penis.

19. After a few moments of doing this, change actions, and go back to licking your partner’s penis. This will give your mouth and neck a rest from the sucking and back-and-forth motion.

PAUSE A FEW SECONDS

20. Take your time and notice the size, shape, and color of the head of his penis as you use your tongue to lick and swirl around it.

PAUSE A FEW SECONDS

21. Move your attention to the underside of his penis. Notice the size, shape, texture, and taste of his penis as you lick the underside all the way up to the tip.

PAUSE A FEW SECONDS

22. The underside, where the shaft meets the head of his penis, contains the most nerve endings of his entire penis, so spend time coming back to this area. He will really love this.

PAUSE A FEW SECONDS

23. Now take your partner’s penis back into your mouth. Try to take a little more of it in than you did at first.

24. Remember, you can control how much of his penis you take by holding it in your hand. This will keep you from gagging by accidentally taking in more than is comfortable.

25. Don’t worry about being able to take all of it into your mouth and down to your throat.

26. While this is a common theme in pornography, not everyone is comfortable taking their partner’s entire penis deep into their throat.

27. Relax and enjoy what you are doing rather than thinking about what you “should” be doing.

PAUSE A FEW SECONDS

28. Continue to suck on your partner’s penis as you move your head back-and-forth to create an in-and-out motion. 

29. Use your tongue to swirl around his penis, particularly the head, as you move your head back and forth.

PAUSE A FEW SECONDS

30. Use your hand to pump your partner’s penis as you suck on it and swirl your tongue.

31. Vary the pressure and speed of your pumping as you swirl your tongue around the head of his penis. 

32. If your partner begins to thrust his penis in and out of your mouth, it is up to you to either allow this, control the depth of the thrust with your hand, or ask him to stop.

33. If you do not want him to do this, simply take his penis out of your mouth and say, “not now; I prefer to control the thrusting.”

34. Return to sucking, licking, and pumping your partner’s penis with your hand as you move your head back and forth.

PAUSE A FEW SECONDS

Notice your thoughts, self-talk, mental images, and emotions as you lick, suck, and pump your partner’s penis.

If your mind wanders into the future or the past or fills with unhelpful thoughts and feelings, note that this is happening and say to yourself, “There goes my runaway mind again, taking me out of the present moment,” and focus on your partner’s penis.

35. Now shift your attention to his scrotum. 

36. Notice the size, shape, texture, and taste of his scrotum as you lick it and gently.

PAUSE A FEW SECONDS

37. GENTLY take each testicle in your mouth and lick and suck on them one at a time. This is a very sensitive area, and guys vary tremendously regarding how much pressure they like. 

38. Stop and ask your partner, “how is the pressure?” just to double-check.

PAUSE A FEW SECONDS

39. If you are comfortable with it, lick the area between his anal opening and his scrotum. This area is an often-overlooked erogenous zone.

40. Spend a few moments licking this area.

PAUSE A FEW SECONDS

41. Now shift your focus back to his penis and use your hand to gently masturbate him as you swirl your tongue around the head of his penis, focusing on the sensitive underside.

42. Spend a few moments doing this.

PAUSE A FEW SECONDS

43. Now put your partner’s penis back in your mouth and increase the intensity of your sucking and back-and-forth head motion.

44. At this point, your partner might increase his thrusting as he is probably getting ready to come. 

45. Once again, it is up to you to either allow, control, or stop this.

46. Continue to increase the intensity of your sucking and back-and-forth head motion as you continue this for a few moments.

PAUSE A FEW SECONDS

47. Now take his penis out of your mouth, then use your hand to masturbate him. At this point, you should be able to sense if your partner is ready to come. His legs will start tensing, his toes will start curling, and other muscles will get more tight and tense. His breathing will also increase.

48. Notice what is going on in your partner’s genitals and the rest of his body as you continue to masturbate him and lick and suck on his penis. 

PAUSE A FEW SECONDS

49. If your partner is ready to come, you can finish him off with your hand or your mouth.

50. If you finish him with your mouth, you can either capture his ejaculation in your mouth and spit it out or swallow it.

51. This is your decision to make. Your partner will enjoy the orgasm however you decide to finish.

Notice your thoughts, self-talk, mental images, and emotions as you make your partner come.

If your mind wanders into the future or the past or fills with unhelpful thoughts and feelings, note that this is happening and say to yourself, “There goes my runaway mind again, taking me out of the present moment,” and focus on your partner’s orgasm.

52. Relax and continue with whatever motions you wish until your partner comes.

PAUSE A FEW SECONDS

53. Spend a few moments squeezing, licking, and sucking your partner's penis immediately after he comes. 

54. This is intensely pleasurable, so do not rush this step. 

PAUSE A FEW SECONDS

55. If you finished off your partner with your hand or spit his ejaculate onto his belly, take a moment and get a warm washcloth and towel and clean him off.

PAUSE A FEW SECONDS

56. Now is cuddle time. Curl up with your partner and just relax — you both deserve it.


Take turns getting your partner off with your mouth. Today, you take the initiative and let your partner get you off the next time. In my next column, I’ll talk about mindful oral sex for her. You can listen to the recorded version of this activity by getting your copy of my Sexual Mindfulness audio collection at https://www.drrichblonna.com/audio/sexual-mindfulness/.


Dr. Rich Blonna

Dr. Rich is an SDC author/contributor who has written books and developed self-help courses that will help members of the SDC community enhance their sexuality and relationships. He is a a noted author, teacher, trainer, and coach. He has helped thousands of students and clients from across the globe improve their sex lives. He is a world-renowned expert in understanding how the mind and body work together to enhance sexual pleasure. He is a retired Professor Emeritus from William Paterson University in NJ, where he taught Human Sexuality for 28 years. As a nationally-certified Coach (BCC), Counselor (NCC), and Health Education Specialist (CHES), he uses the best practices from these disciplines to help you get the most out of your sex life. He is one of the pioneers of Acceptance and Commitment (AC) Coaching, an approach that helps you become more psychologically-flexible and unleash the power of your sexual mind to get the most out of your sex life. Dr. Rich is also certified in Naikan and Morita, two forms of Japanese psychology that use mindfulness and acceptance to help you shift your focus off of your unhelpful sexual thoughts and feelings, and onto acting in ways that enhance your sex life and relationships. He is the author of several books, adult-learning courses, and training materials that integrate this approach into the field of human sexuality.
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