What is Hotwifing REALLY Like?
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Ethical Non-Monogamy with Dr. Liz Powell
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American Sex Podcast Episode 35: Kara Cooney - Egyptologist
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Swinging 101 Series, Part 2: Virtual Dating Dos and Don'ts
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Complete Guide to Hotwifing and Hotwife Relationships
What is hotwifing? What’s it like to be a hotwife? Discover how to be a hotwife, what hotwifing is really all about, and more about this growing trend in sex and relationships. Whether you’re new to the open-minded lifestyle or an experienced swinger or kinkster, chances are you’ve heard the terms “hotwifing” and “hotwife” before — even if the first place you heard the term was when you were watching porn. But what exactly IS hotwifing, really? Does it mean that you have to be a married, smoldering hot woman to be a hotwife? What are hotwifing relationships really all about? Before you dive headfirst into the exhilarating world of hotwifing, take a deep breath and evaluate what hotwifing could mean for you, your partner(s), and your unique relationship(s)! To help guide your erotic journey into hotwifing, our SDC team of sexperts has compiled the most frequently asked questions about hotwives and hotwifing relationships. Check out our complete guide to hotwifing below and discover if hotwifing is right for you! Plus, take our hotwife quiz! Do you already know that you’re ready to be a hotwife, or you’re looking for hotwives to hook up with? Become an SDC member today to connect with hotwives, stags, bulls, swingers, and more sexy open-minded singles and couples near you! SDC’s Beginner’s Guide to Hotwifing Lots of people tend to confuse hotwifing with cuckolding — not just the terms themselves, but also what the relationship and play dynamics are like and the types of boundaries that might exist in those scenarios. Open relationships can be exciting and pleasurable for everyone involved, but that doesn’t mean they’re without their own unique set of challenges. There’s no “undo” button in real life, so taking your time to learn and communicate with your partner first will help you avoid many common mistakes that newbies to hotwifing and cuckolding (and open relationships in general) tend to make. Scroll through all the FAQs on this page or click on the helpful outline below to find more specific answers to your questions. What is Hotwifing? Who Can Be a Hotwife? Where Can I Meet a Hotwife? Why Would Someone Want to Be a Hotwife? Why Would Someone Want Their Partner to Be a Hotwife? Is There a Male Equivalent of a Hotwife? Why Would Someone Want to Be in a Hotwifing Relationship? Why Has Hotwifing Become So Popular? Is Hotwifing a Form of Cheating? Is Hotwifing the Same as Cuckolding or "Cucking"? What Does it Mean to Have a Stag / Vixen Relationship? Who / What is a Bull in a Hotwifing Dynamic? As a Bull Looking for a Hotwife to Hook Up With, What Questions Should I Ask a Hotwifing Couple? What Attributes Should a Potential Bull Have in Order to Maximize Success With a Hotwife? Is There One Right Way to Have a Hotwifing Relationship? Does the Primary Male Partner in the Hotwifing Relationship Have Input into What His Hotwife Does With Other Partners? Is Hotwifing Considered to Be a Kink, or Is It a Relationship Style? Is Hotwifing Legal? How Does Consent Factor into Hotwifing? How Do I Know if We're Ready to Try Hotwifing? Hotwifing Newbies: Fantasies, Playtime, Roleplay, & More Advice Best Practices for Hotwives and Hotwifing Relationships Final Takeaways About Hotwifing What is Hotwifing? Hotwifing is commonly known as a type of open relationship in which the female partner (a.k.a., the hotwife) in a relationship has sexual encounters with other people with the full consent of their partner. In a way, the hotwife can be thought of as a “trophy wife” that her husband is thrilled to show off to others… all while enabling and encouraging his hotwife to play with others, too. In most hotwife relationships, hotwives are engaging in sexual play with male play partners. However, a hotwife can play with people of any gender and have her play activities still be considered as hotwifing. In hotwifing, both partners in a couple (as well as the hotwife’s play partners) are all ideally on the same page and are all receiving fulfillment (emotional, psychological, sexual, etc.) from the hotwifing dynamics, even if not everyone in the hotwifing dynamic is directly involved in the sexual play scenarios. Who Can Be a Hotwife? Before we continue, it’s important to note that just because the terms “hotwife” or “hot husband” includes “wife” and “husband,” which are typically words used to express married folks, actual marriage is not necessary for these kinds of relationships to be possible. The “hot” part of “hotwife” is also not to be taken as a restriction based on attractiveness. The concept of hotwifing does not — and should not — make anyone feel excluded from the practice of hotwifing, regardless of age, background, shape, size, sexual orientation, or any other elements and characteristics. Also, when it comes to the participants in hotwifing, hot husbandry, cuckolding, and cuckqueaning scenarios, for the sake of brevity, we’ll be using the traditional / typical definitions, which are often gendered (male, female). These types of dynamics can, however, apply to anybody of any gender and any sexual orientation. Where Can I Meet a Hotwife? Like many other types of open relationships and kinks, some people can be pretty secretive about their dynamics, so hotwives may prefer to keep their status a secret. The good news is that here on SDC, many hotwives are also members of our dating site, making it easy to find and hook up with a hotwife in your area! Why Would Someone Want to Be a Hotwife? For a hotwife, it can be exceptionally empowering to feel desired by new sex partners with the consent of her primary partner (the person she is involved with in a relationship before branching out to play with other partners) — all while enjoying the comfort and safety of maintaining her relationship. Think of it as having your cake and eating it, too… with no calories! There are many reasons why someone may want to become a hotwife, including: kinking up an existing relationship enjoying sexual freedom beyond monogamy playing sexually and consensually with other people fulfilling fantasies exploring their exhibitionistic side enjoying being openly desired by someone other than their primary partner feeling extra attractive because of all the extra attention from others, including their primary partner having a “secretive” kind of lifestyle that can be enjoyed in private with and / or without their partner indulging in role-playing with others expanding the sexual possibilities with multiple partners having a sexy change from the more “vanilla” daily tasks and responsibilities trying out new things sexually with someone that her primary partner may not want to do (e.g., bondage) solving a relationship issue wherein she has a higher sex drive than her partner, and her partner consensually encourages her to pursue sex with others to fulfill her fantasies. Why Would Someone Want Their Partner to Be a Hotwife? Being the partner of a hotwife can be extremely sexy and fulfilling in many of the same ways that being in any type of healthy consensually non-monogamous relationship and / or indulging in other kinky practices can be gratifying on an individual and couple level! Some of the ways that people may get a thrill out of their partner becoming a hotwife: they enjoy showing off their partner to others they want to watch their partner be sexually desired by others they get turned on by hearing stories about their hotwife playing with others they’re aroused by watching their hotwife have sex with other partners they enjoy the attention their hotwife is getting from others because, by extension, they also get extra attention from those admiring their hotwife they enjoy the freedom of an open relationship beyond monogamy they already know the pleasures of playing sexually and consensually with other people they want to kink up their already healthy relationship with a new dimension of sexuality and connection with their hotwife they don’t have the high sex drive to match their hotwife’s libido, so hotwifing is a way for her to get her needs met without the pressure of being her only sex partner they’re in a long-distance relationship and live apart from their hotwife; their hotwife’s exploits can keep things sexy and connect them as a couple Is There a Male Equivalent of a Hotwife? Absolutely! “Male” hotwifing is called “hot husbandry.” In hot husbandry, the male counterpart in the relationship takes on the role of a hotwife. In this case, the “hot husband” is the focus of most of the sexual attention, and his (typically) female partner takes pleasure in her hot husband’s sexual prowess. As mentioned earlier, the types of relationship dynamics found in most hotwifing and hot husbandry scenarios can be applied across genders and sexual orientations. Why Would Someone Want to Be in a Hotwifing Relationship? There are lots of reasons why couples choose to evolve their relationship into hotwifing. For couples in the swinging lifestyle or other types of open relationships who are already practicing some form of consensual non-monogamy, hotwifing can be a way to have both partners in a couple enjoy a special, kinky dynamic as part of their relationship… even if it’s all talk and no action (no sexual involvement) and the sexiness of the hotwifing dynamic becomes about the thrilling anticipation and excess sexy attention. For monogamous couples who haven’t yet opened up their relationship, hotwifing can be a way for them to pursue a consensual form of fantasy fulfillment for both partners. Why Has Hotwifing Become So Popular? The fantasy of being a hotwife — or dating / marrying / having sex with a hotwife — has been around for a very long time, even if hotwifing has only more recently become a hotter topic to discuss openly… especially now that this incredibly common fantasy has such a sexy moniker: Hotwifing. Like many other trends in topics revolving around sexuality, we can probably credit the adult entertainment industry for their role in pumping out porn scenes featuring hotwives and hotwifing fantasies and scenarios. Along with the power of social media and the increasing openness to new experiences and ability to talk more openly about kinks and alternative sexuality, hotwifing has evolved to become a scorching-hot topic to learn about and to experience for themselves, too. Couples in the open and swinging lifestyle just love to explore the next “new” thing to experience together. When it comes to ethically non-monogamous relationships and the wide world of kink, too, the thrill of the unknown and the prospect of variety can be incredibly powerful aphrodisiacs. Is Hotwifing a Form of Cheating? No! Hotwifing is a type of ethical non-monogamy, a.k.a., consensual non-monogamy. Since ALL the people involved in hotwifing scenarios are consenting adults, and are aware of what activities are going on between them, hotwifing relationships are not cheating. By contrast, cheating would be involved IF someone is unaware of what their partner is doing and does not consent to their partner engaging in sexual play with someone else. That said, if the hotwife is violating the relationship boundaries of the consensual agreement she has with her partner (e.g., having sex with people without her partner being aware of it, when the agreement was for her to tell her partner who she is having sex with), then those boundary violations can be a betrayal of honesty and trust in the same way as cheating (in a conventional sense) and can be as painful and detrimental to the relationship. Honesty, trust, transparency, and communication are fundamental to all relationships, and hotwifing relationships are no exception. Is Hotwifing the Same as Cuckolding or “Cucking?” Hotwifing and cuckolding can certainly go hand-in-hand if so desired, but they are, in fact, two different things — and one does not automatically imply the other. In both cases, however, all the participants involved must be actively consenting to the dynamics and boundaries negotiated before anything happens. In hotwifing scenarios and fantasies, much like in cuckolding fantasies, the hotwife’s primary partner is aroused by the idea of, or seeing and / or watching their hotwife engage with someone else sexually. In cuckolding fantasies and fetishes, the cuckold (a.k.a., “cuck”) is sexually aroused by seeing, watching, and / or knowing their partner is having sex with other people. In these scenarios, often, the “cuck” or cuckold is not even involved in the sex itself other than in a voyeuristic capacity. In hotwifing, though, the hotwife’s partner is usually involved in elements of the hotwife’s activities, including the preparation of the scenario, communicating with and vetting the hotwife’s other play partner(s), even sometimes in choosing the attire she’ll wear and how she’ll communicate her exploits to him (e.g., via videos, photos) if they’re apart. At times, the hotwife’s partner may also be involved in the sex scene, as well, even if the focus of sexual attention is the hotwife herself. The masochistic and submissive elements of humiliation (which can also be experienced in other BDSM scenarios) are present in cuckolding, in that the cuckold is made to feel humiliated by watching their partner have sex with someone else (either by being physically present or via watching videos / photos of them). The cuck is submissive as their partner is sexually dominated by someone else, and / or their partner is sexually dominating someone else. Their partner and / or the person they’re having sex with may use verbal teasing and humiliation during the sexual experience to make the cuck feel “less than.” For instance, this can include saying the cuck’s penis is small, that he’s not a real man, that he doesn’t know how to fuck his wife / girlfriend / partner properly, etc. The cuck is “forced” (consensually, of course) to watch them and to be shown how it’s really done. Unlike cuckolding scenarios, masochistic and humiliation elements are not usually present in hotwifing. The hotwife’s main partner is empowered, not humiliated, by their hotwife’s sexual attention and adventures. The “bull” in the hotwife scenario is thought to be aroused by and driven by competitiveness, jealousy (in a healthy way), the idea of sperm competition (the “Coolidge Effect”), and / or wanting to show off their wife as a “trophy wife,” among other motivations. Keep in mind that couples who have a hotwifing relationship may also have other kinks, which means that they may also be involved in cuckolding or other practices that fulfill their desires. What Does it Mean to Have a Stag / Vixen Relationship? In typical hotwifing scenarios, the Stag / Vixen relationship is extremely common. For a heterosexual couple, for instance, the stag is the male in this couple and the female (hotwife) is the vixen. The stag is still an Alpha male (in contrast to the male role in a typical cuckold fantasy) and gets aroused by showing off his vixen and watching her have sex with other men. Who / What is a Bull in a Hotwifing Dynamic? When a hotwifing couple enlists another man to partake in the hotwifing dynamic, he is considered a bull. The term “Bull” alone insinuates a typically animalistic, masculine nature, but that doesn’t always have to be the case. For many Stag / Vixen hotwifing relationships, bulls are highly sought to become the vixen’s playmates. The bull doesn’t lower the Alpha status of the stag, as it’s made clear that the stag is the main partner of his vixen, and the bull’s role is to fulfill the fantasy of the stag and vixen couple. Because quality partners are not always easy to find, when the Bull fits well into the stag and vixen’s relationship dynamic, he may become a more frequent play partner in this role within the hotwifing relationship. If you’re a hotwife or a hotwifing couple looking for a bull for your hotwife to hook up with, sign up on SDC.com. As a Bull Looking for a Hotwife to Hook Up With, What Questions Should I Ask a Hotwifing Couple? If you’re a bull who’s talking to a hotwife or her stag about the possibilities of playing with a sexy hotwife you just met, some important questions you may want to ask include: What are you looking for in a bull? Have you ever had a hotwifing experience before, or am I your first? Which one of you will I be communicating with the most? What do you have in mind for our first meetup? Which one of you will be making arrangements for our playdate? Will there be videos or pictures taken? Will these stay private? Who will be present during the encounter? Where will the encounter take place? (e.g., home, hotel room, etc. Note that if you will be playing in a location like a hotel room, discuss in advance who will be expected to pay for the location, and / or agree to split costs.) Do you have any boundaries / limits I should know about before we decide to play together? (Note: consent and boundaries can be changed and re-established at any time before and during play, so make sure to ask when the actual encounter happens.) What kind of protection will we use together? (e.g., internal condoms, external condoms, latex gloves, dental dams, etc.) Do you know your sexual health status (e.g., have you been tested recently)? Is there anything else I should know about you two as a couple before we meet? Add any other questions that will help you choose a couple who makes you feel comfortable, sexy, and meets your needs and your desires. What Attributes Should a Potential Bull Have in Order to Maximize Success With a Hotwife? Every hotwife and her main partner may have varying tastes and desires in what they are looking for in an ideal bull. Not all men are fit to play the role of a bull in a hotwifing relationship. For starters, bulls are the third party in a no-strings-attached type of relationship with a couple. Bulls are usually there just for sex, and some men may not feel comfortable having their role being limited to a purely sexual one. Also, not all men will be interested in being part of a dynamic in which he is considered to be a “fantasy fulfiller,” even if in doing so, he is fulfilling his own fantasies. But if having sex with a hotwife sounds exciting for you, and you enjoy casual sex, being a bull in a hotwifing relationship could be very sexy for you to try. Universally speaking, however, bulls with certain skills and attributes will be more likely to have successful experiences, and may even enjoy more frequent repeat experiences (e.g., hook up with the hotwife on more than one occasion). Solid communication skills: to make sure you three are all on the same page at all times. That means listening to them as well as communicating your own needs. Be a gentleman: be respectful to the hotwife and to her partner, too. They’re a packaged deal. Confidence: Being confident (not cocky) is always sexy. Trustworthiness and caution: Knowing your sexual health status and making sure you have protection on you at all times (because you never know when you’ll need a condom) are key to having a successful sex life, and can go far in a hotwifing context. Knowing you’re trustworthy can help a hotwife’s partner (and your hotwife, of course) relax and enjoy the shared experience. Patience: Progress at the pace of the couple; never rush or force anything unless it’s clearly communicated beforehand, consented to, and desired by all those involved. Being a fun date and confident, open-minded person in general will help you to more smoothly navigate any hotwifing relationship. Is There One Right Way to Have a Hotwifing Relationship? In all relationship dynamics, whether it’s cuckolding or hotwifing or any other type of kinky and open relationship, keep in mind that there’s no one single formula that works for everyone! The types and levels of control, dominance, submission, and / or humiliation can vary, depending on different scenarios, partners, experience, comfort zones, and so many other factors. Like any other relationship, boundaries, limits, safety, and comfort zones should be discussed before any exploration of any type of sex and / or relationship begins. Enthusiastic consent and communication are essential to ensuring mutual enjoyment, so that everyone involved feels comfortable and safe before, throughout, and after each experience. Does the Primary Male Partner in the Hotwifing Relationship Have Input into What His Hotwife Does With Other Partners? Yes, the hotwife’s primary partner is usually involved in at least some elements of her hotwifing partners and adventures, such as: vetting new play partners communicating with their hotwife’s partners to organize playdates choosing what their hotwife will wear during her playdate choosing the location of the hotwifing scenario choosing how she’ll communicate her sexual adventures (e.g., record video and share it later, her play partner will take and send photos to the hotwife’s primary partner) deciding their level of sexual involvement and if they’ll be present during the sex scene and more sexy details! Setting the scene can be a very erotic endeavor, builds excitement and anticipation, and becomes a source of foreplay and dirty talk between the hotwifing couple even before the hotwife experiences her first playdate in real life! Is Hotwifing Considered to Be a Kink, or Is It a Relationship Style? That depends on who you ask. Some people believe being in any type of open relationship is a kink, while others feel that their tendency towards ethically non-monogamous relationships is just their orientation and can’t be changed. Sure, hotwifing can be quite kinky, and can also involve other kinks (e.g., bondage). Those in a hotwifing relationship dynamic would say that hotwifing IS a relationship style, and has its own rules and set of boundaries, like any other type of relationship. Is Hotwifing Legal? Hotwifing IS legal if you live in a state / country that legally allows open relationships (which can include hotwifing). In more conservative countries, open relationships in general may be illegal, and there could be serious consequences for living an open lifestyle. In countries where women’s rights are such that a woman can be severely penalized for having sex outside her marriage, even with her husband’s permission and knowledge, the practice of hotwifing is forbidden. Before you start to play openly, or if you’re traveling to unknown lands (well, lands unknown to you, at least), do a little research first to learn more about the rules, customs, and laws of the country you’re visiting. How Does Consent Factor into Hotwifing? Like ANY other type of relationship and sexual play, everyone involved in a hotwifing dynamic MUST consent to the partner(s) and boundaries of play. How Do I Know if We’re Ready to Try Hotwifing? All relationships are different, and each individual in a relationship is different. We come into relationships with our individual experiences, personalities, needs, and desires, and those can naturally evolve over time. So, how do you know if you're ready to start hotwifing? What all HEALTHY relationships have in common, whether they’re open or monogamous in style, is that they are built on a foundation of trust, honesty, and effective communication. Before delving into any kind of relationship or kink, you and your partner should each take time to think about the following: Are you interested in this because it would please you, or is this just to please your partner? Do you feel pressured, and / or are you putting pressure on your partner, to move forward with this change / evolution in your relationship and / or sex life? Are you and your partner currently in a good place in your relationship? Do you feel like you can talk to your partner about anything, even if it’s a sensitive topic (e.g., like telling your partner you want to have sex with someone else)? Does your partner feel they can talk to you about anything (and will you be able and willing to listen to them, if it’s a sensitive conversation)? Do you trust your partner? Does your partner trust you? Do you feel your needs (emotional, intimate, sexual, etc.) are currently being met by your partner? Are you currently fulfilling your partner’s needs? As a couple, do you have unresolved issues or conflicts in your relationship that could be dredged up and exacerbated if something goes wrong with your exploration of a new kink / relationship style? Without a strong base and shared values, any kind of relationship can work well, endure, and thrive — as long as each (and both) of you continue to trust each other, respect each other, maintain honesty and transparency, care for each other, and communicate before, during, and after you make decisions and take action together. As with anything in non-monogamous couples, for a hotwifing and / or cuckolding scenario to benefit the couple, communication, constant checking, and consideration for each other’s needs and feelings are essential. When a couple discusses their desires and sets their limits, this kink can add a lot of warmth and excitement to the relationship. Committed couples in the lifestyle most often form a tight unity, as they more often than not have a profound level of commitment to each other and a deep mutual respect. Swingers often report that being in the lifestyle actually improves their relationship by leaps and bounds as they progress from novices to seasoned due to the sheer necessity of this increased communication and mutual care for one another. When all is said and done, it’s important not to forget that, for the couple, the lifestyle is just an element of their sexual relationship together that adds to their mutual satisfaction. To discover whether you and your partner are ready to try an open relationship, we recommend taking our hotwifing relationship quiz and trying the Lifestyle Inventory Checklist quiz developed by Dr. Jay and Liseth Ferraro, which is an exclusive and free tool developed for the SDC community and open lifestyles. Hotwifing Newbies: Fantasies, Playtime, Roleplay, & More Advice Once you and your partner have informed yourselves about what hotwifing is, and are on the same page, you’re ready to take the next step. Whether you’re ready for your first hotwifing experience or you’ve already established your hotwifing dynamic, here are some sexy ways to get into the mood and build anticipation before any hotwife encounter. Newbie hotwifing couples who try these sexy exercises before adding another player into the mix can increase their intimacy, discover what they like, what feelings may come up for each of them, and explore some fantasies they may want to try together in real life when the time comes. Plus, you can even consider these a type of “dry run” before you delve into the real deal. Go shopping together for a sexy outfit / lingerie that your hotwife (or you, if you’re the hotwife) would wear on her first hotwifing encounter with her new play partner / bull. Have your hotwife take sexy photos of herself during the day, whether she’s at work, running errands, or at home. Enjoy her creativity of in-the-moment upskirt photos, cleavage snaps, and other exhibitionistic photography. Have her send them to you As a stag, take charge and text your vixen what you want her to do when she’s masturbating. Have her tell you her fantasies and who / what she’s thinking of and what her bull is doing to her. Guide her masturbation and tell her what toy to use, and what you want her to do with it. Watch porn together or read erotic stories that incorporate your hotwifing fantasies. You can each pick your favorite scenes before sharing them with each other. Not only is this a sexy way to up the ante on your foreplay, but it also helps you both experiment with what each (and both) of you may want to do and try once you involve a Bull in the mix. Dress up and attend a swingers’ club together on a night where they allow single men to enter the club. Take time picking out attractive men together as a couple, and then have your Vixen flirt and dance (and, if you’re both already quite comfortable with that, kiss and fondle your Bull). Do some storytelling. Hotwife: pretend you’ve just come home from a sexy hotwife date and tell your partner every sexy detail of your sexual encounter with your new playmate and how hot and amazing he was. Once you’ve built up his desire, have sex with your partner to lock in the good vibes of the fantasy. Go on a dating site and look for potential bulls together. See what you and your partner have in common (or don’t) when it comes to choosing potential lovers for your hotwife. Then have your hotwife send sexy messages to the men, and enjoy their responses and sexual attention. Don’t forget: the goal of hotwifing is to have fun and experience pleasure — together! If during these hotwife games you had feelings come up for you, or you’re having any doubts, communicate them to your partner and work them out before you add another person into the mix. Best Practices for Hotwives and Hotwifing Relationships So, you’ve learned what you need to know about hotwifing and you’re ready for the next step. Here are some tips to help you get started on the right path, whether you and your partner want to delve into the sexy world of hotwifing, or you just want to hook up with a hotwife. Fix your relationship problems first. This means that if there are any unresolved issues between you (e.g., a lack of trust after cheating occurred, external stresses like finances, etc.) before you start opening up your relationship, they will not magically be solved by adding an extra variable into the equation. Make sure you and your partner are on the same page and on solid footing before venturing into sexy new endeavors together. Be ready to communicate. Relationships can be amazing and fulfilling, but it does also take work to make them, you know, work. That may mean bolstering your communication skills so that you and your partner can sexily navigate each of your thrilling new experiences together in a healthy way. Only by maintaining openness and communication will both of you be able to have a smooth journey into and through hotwifing. Talk about your fantasies and hopes for what you ideally want to do within your new hotwifing dynamic. Keep in mind that even if both of you are into the same fantasy, you may each want to explore it in different ways. Build anticipation. Talk about these sexy fantasies during dirty talk, as foreplay, or just to get your juices flowing. Dirty talk can be quite revealing too, and your partner might let some little sexy details slip that you can then surprise them with during a real-life hotwifing scenario at a later date. Do some window shopping. Go up on a dating site for open-minded couples and singles (you’re on one right now!) and take a look at what other hotwifing couples and hotwives are talking about in their profiles. This can help both of you figure out how you want to describe yourselves in your own couples or hotwife profile! Decide which of the two of you will be the main “point person” on things like handling texts and messages from potential new lovers and playmates. Make sure to be transparent and let these new matches know who they’re talking to online. Assure mutual agreement. Whether it’s details like choosing a play partner, finding a location for a playdate, or any other ins-and-outs of a possible hotwifing experience, it’s crucial for both of you to be excited and happy with the experience. If one of you is unsure or isn’t comfortable with something, it’s not a “maybe,” it’s a NO. Move on to a different possible partner, change up the locale, or whatever is needed to make sure you’re both thrilled with the scenario you’re setting up. Be patient and realistic. It can sometimes take a little while before you meet a potential new match for you, whether you’re dating online or scouting out a local swingers club. Attraction, chemistry, consent, and shared desires can be a tall order, especially if you’re being very specific about who / what you want, you live in a remote location, or you and your partner have different ideas about what your ideal hotwifing experience will be like. Give it time until all the pieces settle and it feels right for all of you. Don’t rush just to have a hotwifing experience and get your first time over with, because it won’t be as fulfilling, and can also create potentially negative outcomes. Have no expectations. Whether it’s your first hotwifing experience or your fiftieth, it’s important not to build up your hopes too much, or you’ll risk experiencing disappointment. Discuss boundaries. This means not just you both as a couple, but also with your potential playmates. Once you’ve connected with someone new, take some time to talk about what you’re comfortable doing, and make sure you’re all in agreement about what is acceptable for each of you to experience in your different roles within the hotwifing dynamic. Be prepared for anything (or as much as you can). Whether you’re setting up a scene for a playdate at home or at a different location (e.g., hotel room), be ready with sexy gear like different kinds of condoms, lubricant, sex toys, sex toy cleaner, an extra change of clothing, phone charger, etc. Have your play partner(s) also bring any toys or gear they like to use, so their comfort and needs are met. Safety first. Don’t give out personal details to anyone (which can include your real name, address, other identifiers). When meeting a new playmate for the first time, it’s best to make sure you’re in a public place and you have a way to get yourself home (e.g., having cab fare or your own vehicle and not relying on your new playmate to drive you). If needed, make sure someone else knows where you are and how long you’ll be there. Arrange for check-in phone calls if needed. Whatever it takes to manage your (and your partner’s) personal security, comfort, and overall well-being. Always have an easy out. Limit alcohol and / or drug use. Beyond talking about the legalities of using any intoxicating substances, using drugs and / or alcohol can help us feel loose, lower our inhibitions, and make us feel more comfortable doing things we would otherwise find objectionable (or just a bad idea) when sober. Plus, if you or someone you want to engage with sexually is intoxicated, they are unable to consent to what is happening in the moment, even if they seemed “into it” or may have consented prior to becoming intoxicated. Make important decisions when sober, use drugs and / or alcohol separately and in moderation, know your limits, and don’t play with others if you and / or your potential playmates aren’t able to consent. Have a safe word. Once someone says the safe word, you all agree that the scenario is over and everything stops. It doesn’t matter who used the safe word or why — it’s there to make sure that everything runs smoothly and everyone’s boundaries, comfort, and safety are respected. If even one person feels uncomfortable, it’s a no-go for all of you. Final Takeaways About Hotwifing With more and more couples exploring and embracing hotwifing in their relationship, there is undoubtedly a certain domino effect and word-of-mouth effect at play in the recent hype, too. It’s fun to think together about what can get you both all hot and bothered. Contemplating all the possibilities already creates a heightened sexual tension between the two of you together, let alone when you get to the point where you actually get to engage with a third. It’s always a good idea when trying out new dynamics in a relationship to openly discuss not only your hotwifing and / or cuckolding fantasies, but also your feelings, your boundaries, and where you think you wish this to eventually lead. Have a specific question about hotwifing that wasn’t answered here? Ask our team of SDC sexperts for advice.