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Privacy vs Secrecy in Ethical Non-Monogamy
In this video, I’m breaking down the real difference between privacy and secrecy and why confusing the two can cause serious harm to your ENM relationships.
I also share a real coaching story: a man who thought hiding his girlfriend's pregnancy from his wife was "privacy" — but it was actually secrecy that threatened to break the foundation of trust in his marriage. If you're practicing or transitioning into ENM, understanding this distinction is essential to maintaining healthy, transparent, and ethical relationships. Ready to navigate ENM with clarity and confidence? Book a FREE 20-minute Clarity Call via Organic Loven in the banner below.
CLOSED CAPTION TRANSCRIPTION
Speaker: spk_0
Hey, sexy people, do you know the difference between privacy and secrecy? There is a difference, and it's often misunderstood in ethical non-monogamy. Hi, I'm Taylor Sparks, ya favorite, ethical non-monogamy coach, and sex goddess. So let's get into it because baby, there is a big, big difference. Privacy is about boundaries. It's about choosing what parts of your life stay sacred or share in with whom. It's intentional, it's respectful. It's healthy. Secrecy. That's about shame, that's about deception. It's hiding someone or something to avoid discomfort or consequences. And that's a red flag in any relationship, but especially in non-monogamy, where honesty is the foundation we build on, because I assure you I am nobody's secret.
So here's how I do it. If I'm dating someone who has a partner, I expect to meet that partner relatively early on, not 6 months in. Not after we've already caught feelings, but early because I'm not out here building a connection with someone who's tucking me, you know, into the shadows, right? And no, it doesn't mean I need to be besties with your partner, but we do need to be real. We need transparency. We need a number exchange, a vibe check, uh, kind of a yes, I know she exists moments. Even in parallel dynamics where we don't all date each other, we still honor each other. So if your partner doesn't know about me or you're afraid for them to know, then what we're doing is not ethical non-monogamy. That's just cheating with a glossary. So, because the foundation of ethical non-monogamy isn't do whatever you want, it's consensual transparency, and I'm not just here to play. I'm here to build. So let me give you a real scenario that I had coached a couple through. A married man in an ethical non-monogamous relationship was openly dating another woman, you know, he had a girlfriend that he'd been seeing for a while, and then the girlfriend became pregnant. Now instead of telling his wife, he and the girlfriend agreed to keep the pregnancy private. Between the two of them. But a few months in, you know, she missedcarried and then, you know, he decided to come clean to his wife, which of course created a hell of a lot of stress in their marriage and, and this is where I came in as their coach to kind of walk them through this. So I explained that this isn't just privacy anymore. This is Secrecy and it breaks the foundation of transparency that ethical non-monogamy is built on because once that child was born, it would affect the marriage, his time, his energy, his financial obligations, his emotional availability, it's all going to shift. And if your actions directly impact your partner's life, they have a right to that information. Keeping it hidden doesn't protect privacy, it creates portrayal.
So in ethical non-monogamy, it's not about controlling each other's lives, but it is about giving each other the information needed to navigate shared agreements, logistics, um, and, and trust, right? So ultimately through coaching, he realized he wasn't being ethical. We, you know, work through it all. We put together a plan and how to help them both, of course, be more authentic, how to rebuild trust and transparency, and how to, you know, start fresh with full disclosure and not half truths because secrets, no matter how well intentioned, they always surface, kind of like the cream rising to the top. And when they do, they cause more harm than honesty ever would. So if you're watching this and you're thinking, wait a minute, I think I might be somebody's secret. Ask yourself, have I met their other partners? Do they talk about me openly? And I don't mean like on social media to the world, but to the people that need to know you exist. Would they introduce me at an event? Are they using privacy as an excuse to hide me? And if you're the one doing the hiding, ask yourself, am I protecting someone's boundaries or my own fear of discomfort? Am I honoring everyone involved or am I controlling the narrative?
Let me say it again for the folks way, way in the back. I am nobody's secret. You deserve to love and be loved out loud, and if you're ready to design an ethical non-monogamous relationship that's rooted in truth, clarity and mutual respect, book a free clarity call or check out my workbook, An African-American Guide to Ethical Non-Monogamy, and let's build something bold, transparent, and entirely yours, because privacy is sacred, but secrecy, that's not your story. Until next time, your love, your rules, and your freedom. Bye-bye.
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