Hotwives' Club: The Craziest Sh** I’ve Heard as a Hotwife
By Brenna for ASN Lifestyle Magazine
Let’s be honest, the concept of hotwifing is one that is often difficult for people to wrap their heads around. And while that’s totally ok (we certainly aren’t in this lifestyle for approval of others), there are absolutely some statements Brian and I have heard over time that have made us scratch our heads and say, “Did that actually just happen?” Today, I thought it would be fun to share some of the most outrageous and/or confusing things I’ve heard from people once I reveal that I’m a hotwife and Brian likes to “share” me with others.
“Ohhhh, so your man must be bi.”
Yup, this one has been said more than a handful of times. And it’s by far the most confusing to us. I think there’s an automatic assumption that if a man enjoys watching his partner engage with other men, it must be because he himself wants to engage sexually with that man. While it’s ok if he does, and while there are many bisexual hotwife husbands out there, the idea that simply being in the same room as a man while he’s engaged in sexual activity makes someone bisexual is ridiculous. I do believe that hotwife husbands tend to be incredibly secure in their sexuality, whatever said sexuality might be.
“Ohhhh, so your man has a cheating fetish.”
We were speaking with a gentleman on the BDSM site we use to meet like-minded people from time to time. After a bit of chatting back and forth, he made a comment to the effect of, “I would love to help you cheat on your man! That sounds so hot!” Wait, what? I calmly, yet confusedly, explained that I am not cheating on my man. He knows about all of my sexual activity with others and provides his enthusiastic consent for me to play. His response is one that I still to this day think about all the time: “I just assumed he liked to fantasize about you cheating on him. Otherwise, why on Earth would he want you to do what you’re doing?”
This is a perfect example of a simple lack of knowledge about hotwifing and what makes it special. There are many that assume exactly what this single guy did, that Brian has masochistic tendencies and wants to be “tortured” by the idea of me engaging with other men. That couldn’t be further from the truth; Brian revels in my sexual confidence and anxiously awaits the time he can “reclaim” me, knowing that our sex together will be explosive and passionate as a result. Trying to explain that to someone whose mind isn’t open is nearly impossible, and we’ve learned that lesson a few times now.
“Ohhhh, so you aren’t getting what you need at home.”
This is the one that really bothers me. It’s the assumption that many monogamous people make about non-monogamous people in general, that enjoying sex with others means you don’t enjoy sex with your own partner. For the vast majority of lifestyle couples, and certainly for us, sexy adventures with others is simply an enhancement of their already-fantastic sex lives. When someone insinuates that I don’t enjoy sex with Brian because I’m seeking sex with other people, it’s a huge red flag and almost certainly guarantees I won’t be engaging with them any further.
This brings up another topic that I think needs to be discussed, especially for those of us in hotwife dynamics: It’s the idea that men should be able to provide everything that their female partners need. It’s this toxic and archaic concept that if a man isn’t “meeting ALL of the needs” of his partner on every level, it somehow means he is less of a man. Of course, we are starting to see this shift more and more as we break down patriarchal stereotypes from generations past, but it’s something that I wish more people would discuss outside of the lifestyle. I personally believe it is dangerous for someone to expect their partner to be everything to them at all times. That’s simply not how relationships work. Brian provides a very lovely flavor of sex for me that I enjoy on so many levels, but does that mean I shouldn’t be able to have other flavors? Or worse yet, does that mean that Brian is somehow inadequate because I’m still curious to try other flavors? Absolutely not.
“Ohhhh, so your man doesn’t play at all.”
This is the one we receive most from other lifestylers. There is the assumption that because our primary form of play is the hotwife lifestyle, it means that Brian is completely monogamous and unable to explore sexual encounters with others. While this is the case for some hotwife couples, it is certainly not the norm. Most hotwife husbands are known to engage with a couple or single in certain situations, despite preferring that their female counterparts are the ones having the naughty fun. This is absolutely the case for us; If Brian had to design a perfect lifestyle interaction for us, it would be me engaging with another man (or men). But that doesn’t mean we never swap with couples. In fact, Brian even has a single lady friend he engages with from time to time.
When encountering a hotwife couple, it is best to ask for clarification about their dynamic rather than making assumptions. Just like any other couple in the lifestyle, hotwife couples are allowed to design their nonmonogamous journey however they see fit. In fact, we often encourage couples who reach out to us via our coaching services to eliminate the boxes from their lives and make decisions based on desires rather than on labels.
I’m sure by now you understand my point in all of this: Making assumptions about a lifestyle you are not familiar with can be detrimental. When a single guy reaches out with one of the above assumptions, for instance, it almost guarantees there will never be a first meet, let alone play. By stepping back from preconceived notions and asking questions to better understand, minds can open just a little further, creating mutually beneficial situations for all involved.
This article originally appeared in the September 2020 issue of ASN Lifestyle Magazine.