In this edition of Dear Tom & Bunny, they answer Lifestyle questions from two ASN Lifestyle Magazine readers about where and how to meet more swingers and one about BDSM in the swing scene.
Question #1: How & Where Do We Get Started?
Q: I've watched several of your videos and think you are awesome. This seems like something I want to get into. I just need some advice/pointers on how to get started and where to meet the right people. Any info would be greatly appreciated. Stay awesome!
A: Hi C,
We would suggest going to our website www.tomandbunny.com and click on our links for websites such as Kasidie, SLS, and SDC.com, and create profiles on those. By using our links, you get more free time than going directly to the sites.
Create your profile with clear info about you, what you’re looking for, and any details people would want to know. Upload photos of the both of you. If you are a couple or you are single, include full body (clothed is OK) and faces if possible. If not, upload face photos to a private location so you can open those up to people you may be interested in.
When emailing people, don’t just say HI and that’s it. Tell them something about why their profile caught your eye and maybe something more about you than what you listed in your profile. People hate emails with one word or line.
If people email you, always reply back — even to say you don’t think you will be a match! After that, if they email you again, you do not need to feel you have to reply. Telling someone you are not a match does not mean you have to say why. No means no, and that’s it.
If you say you will meet someone, meet them — don’t flake out. You will see what we mean by this. There are a lot of flakes and fakes out there. Look for certifications or verifications; if they have none, then that is a red flag, especially if they have had a profile for some time!
Go to a club or meet-n-greet in your area. You will meet many more people at once, and you will start making Lifestyle friends much quicker! If you have met someone, ask them to give you a certification on your profile.
Check for hot dates, rendezvous, booty calls or events on the website and if you are traveling, change your location to the location you will be traveling to so you can start meeting people in those areas, too!
We hope this helps you get started.
Tom and Bunny
Question #2: Swingers in Nebraska
Q: Dear Tom & Bunny,
My wife and I have talked about getting into the Lifestyle. I have heard you guys say in your YouTube videos that you use certain websites depending on what part of the country you’re in. We live in central Nebraska, where it's all small communities and everybody wants to know other people's business. There is not much out here, or it's hidden very well. Do you have anything you could recommend for our area? I imagine if we want to partake, it will have to be in the Omaha / Lincoln area.
I appreciate any help or recommendations that you can give us.
A: Hi J,
We use several sites such as Kasidie.com, Swinglifestyle.com, and SDC.com to look for events, parties, and possible matches with other couples in the swinging lifestyle.
Each website has their niche areas where one might have a huge market share in California, another might hold a larger market share in Florida, and then there is also international!
We suggest joining each of the ones we have listed and if you go to our website http://www.tomandbunny.com you can join these sites and get free additional full access where you won't if you go to the sites directly.
When joining these sites, we suggest you join them all to see which one is best for you and your area. Take some time to fill out the profile questions clearly, and give as much information you wish to share. Post photos of both of you, and if you can't show your faces, blur those out, but we suggest uploading some with your faces showing in your private photos to open up to potential people or clubs to show who you are.
We do know there is a club in Omaha called “R-Place” you can check out. There are always private parties, meet-n-greets, and other events posted on the websites mentioned above that you should check out.
Many people, once they find the site that best suits their needs, typically will stay on that site and use their services as they are in the Lifestyle.
Happy Swinging, and we hope you find what you’re looking for!
Tom and Bunny
Question #3: We’re Interested in the Vibrant Swinging Lifestyle. Can We Incorporate BDSM into the Scene?
Q: We're in Huntsville. What "tiny, small town" have you settled in? We would love to meet you sometime. Thank you for all that you do for the Lifestyle.
I'm 73 and she is 48. We are Terry and Amy. We met through BDSM, but found ourselves completely turned off by the local scene; it’s very cliquish and performance-driven. The idea of BDSM as a part of lovemaking is foreign to the contemporary BDSM scene. 50 Shades has destroyed it by ushering in thousands of young wannabes who swamped the clubs and created a serious problem with predators. However, we find the swinging scene to be vibrant and alive. If we wish to incorporate BDSM (and all partners are willing), then it's great but not necessary. Love your work — keep at it.
A: Hi T,
We are about 1½ hours from Huntsville but don't give our exact location for obvious reasons. We do post our travel schedule on our website, and we do invite anyone who would like to meet us to come to an event. We meet people all the time and welcome you both to an event near you.
We understand where you are coming from, as when we started in the swinging Lifestyle, people went to house parties and clubs to actually meet people and hopefully have sex with them that night. Over the years, TV shows and movies are portraying the swinging Lifestyle in a more positive and fun light. We have noticed a huge influx of people who want to be around others but not so much partake in the sex with others. We do find it more difficult to navigate the swingers scene, as now we see couples where he is OK to play but she isn't, or they only play with females, or only soft play. Then there are those who full-swap, and others play without their spouses. The common thing we have been seeing are people wanting to create these friendships before playing. We understand that they feel if they develop a friendship, their fears of having sex with others will subside.
We do not look at people or groups as cliquish, but rather that they have their friends and most of the time, they are not remembering that they themselves were new once and someone befriended them. When we see these groups, we have just walked up and started talking to them and found no issues with them welcoming us into their group or conversations. Often, they will introduce us around to all their friends. Most people view cliques to be standoffish, but did they approach these people and introduce themselves? Many times, people think that everyone should come to them to make their night more fun and meaningful. The fact is, while many will disagree with us, the new couples need to make their way around and introduce themselves, and they will find they are being welcomed and people will eventually view them as part of a clique! It's the way it works. Many clubs will have a host to introduce new couples, but once an introduction or two is made, they typically leave the couple to continue on their own.
We wouldn't look at TV shows, movies, etc., like 50 Shades destroying your BDSM lifestyle. Rather, it opens it up to a new chapter. Life evolves, and either you adapt or you may be left behind. We have learned to adapt to all the changes in our swinging Lifestyle, and they change all the time. We also wouldn't call anyone "wannabes," as you need to understand, you were new once, too, and if your counterparts viewed you as young “wannabes,” would you still be in the BDSM lifestyle? So, instead, we suggest you embrace these young people and encourage them and help them with your years of experience.
On the BDSM and the Lifestyle, we do see a crossover, but we also are aware that there are swingers and other people practicing "Consensual Non-Monogamy" (CNM) and BDSM. We see people in the swingers Lifestyle playing with BDSM, but many don't actually live the BDSM lifestyle full-time as a true BDSM couple or single does. Many swing clubs have added BDSM devices, but typically they are for light BDSM, not hardcore. However, many times we are at clubs we see a lot calling for submissive partners, but we don't see a lot of activity in the BDSM rooms vs. just regular play rooms.
We suggest you embrace the changes and help pass on your experience to the younger generation. If you feel a group is a clique, try to introduce yourselves to them. If they don't accept you, don't let that get you down. Remember, people want to be around people they personally find attractive or have something in common with, and they may not feel that with you. We are both in our 50s so are not going to go up to a group of 21-year-olds and feel like we would fit in. So, we look for groups that would be more accepting of us.
Happy Swinging (or BDSM),
Tom and Bunny
This article originally appeared in the November 2019 issue of ASN Lifestyle Magazine.