The Choices You Make For Your Sex Life
We make choices every single day.

We make choices every single day. We make choices about our health habits, our work life, our family life, our social fabric, and in our sexual lives.


Making the Wrong Choices


I was inspired by this article that talked about how this husband made a spreadsheet about all the excuses his wife made to not have sex with him. Clearly, this isn’t exactly the way you want to go about communicating with your partner about the lack of sex you’re having, but I thought about how it brought up some interesting points for me.

Problem: She clearly doesn’t have the desire to have sex with him. What the reason is, he will never know unless he asks. Most of the time, it’s probably going to be something that is a deeper issue or it could be that he’s just not good in bed. It could also be that she has a lack of desire for sex with him and maybe there are some other health or underlying issues on her part.

Answer: They need to have a serious heart-to-heart conversation about their sex life and see if there’s something else besides sex that is affecting the relationship. They need to know what their sex life should look like and come up with common answers that would please them both.


Making the Right Choices


But overall, what everything comes down to are the choices that we make in our lives. It’s the choices that we make for our health for our work for our families for our friends, and ultimately for our sexual lives. If you have the choice to have spectacular sex, why would you deny that? So we need to think about that. Why would you deny spectacular sex? If it’s not spectacular sex, why isn’t it spectacular sex and what can you do to change that? Are you doing your part and making the effort to change it to make sure that you can maintain a healthy and happy sex life?

Every choice that we make has a reward or a consequence. Most people would like to have the reward over the consequence, but a lot of us, especially women, find it too easy to say “no” to sex (provided that it’s not giving you problems). Most of the time when I’m consulting with women who are saying “no” to sex, they honestly might have low desire, but they are often forgetting what sex feels like. Once they say “yes” to sex, they always come to me with: “I guess I just forgot how pleasurable it could be.”




When you say “no” to pleasurable sex, the consequences are such that you don’t get the health benefits, you don’t get to bond with your partner, and you don’t get to learn about yourself in a new sexual way. So, ultimately, the choice is yours. And wouldn’t you rather benefit from all the things that pleasurable sex can offer you? I know you would. When it comes to having pleasurable sex with a lover, you need to heed Dr. Laura’s advice and “do the right thing.” Cheers to your sexual success!

Marla Stewart

Marla Renee Stewart, MA is a professional sex, intimacy and relationship coach and sex educator. Not only is she a lecturer at Clayton State University, she is also the co-founder of the Sex Down South Conference and the Sexual Liberation Collective. Gaining her reputation for being "The Sex Architect", she created Velvet Lips to empower people of all ages to embrace, educate and enjoy their sexuality and their sexual lives. She has studied human sexuality for more than 16 years at San Francisco State University and Georgia State University, respectively, and has expert knowledge in a wide variety of subjects. She has published academic articles and continues to do sexuality research. She has conducted workshops at conferences, not-for-profit and private organizations, as well as universities in the Atlanta area. She has been featured on many radio shows, documentaries, books, magazines and has been invited to speak at Universities around the country. She also sits on the board for the Atlanta Harm Reduction Coalition and SPARK Reproductive Justice Now!
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