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When "Not Tonight" Means "Not You" (and How to Handle it)
It’s so so important in open lifestyle spaces, where mixed signals can lead to a lot of unnecessary confusion (and way too much hallway dodging at the next event).
You don’t have to give a 12-page slide show presentation on why someone isn’t your vibe. But, honesty is a kindness, and people can usually feel when you're avoiding being honest.
If you’re uncomfortable with rejecting, it doesn't make you a bad person. It makes you human. And MOST open-minded humans struggle with this at some point, especially at first.
The good news? You can absolutely learn to say no without being harsh… or awkward… or ghosty.
Watch the video for a scenario that demonstrates why it's better to be honest and kind than to fall into being "nice" and people-pleasing.
Then, create your free profile on SDC.com to start finding swingers like you!
Here are some ways to say “no” that are honest, easy to remember, and still kind:
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“You two seem great, but I’m not feeling a play vibe. Thanks for the connection, though!”
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“We’re looking for something really specific tonight, and I don’t think this is quite the match, but we’re so glad we got to chat!”
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“You’re genuinely lovely, but we don’t feel the chemistry we need to move forward.”
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“You’re not doing anything wrong, I just don’t feel aligned for play. But I hope you have a fantastic night!”
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“I want to be respectful and honest with you because we really dig you…we’re going to pass on play, but we’re happy to still hang and vibe if that feels good to you.”
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“I’m practicing being more direct, so here goes: this doesn’t feel like a fit for us, but thank you for the lovely conversation.”
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"We’re flattered, but not feeling a play match. But we’re really enjoying the whole flirty and dance vibe with you!!”
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“Saying no is hard for me, but I’m trying to be more upfront, and I don’t want to lead you on, so I want to be clear that we’re not looking to connect in that way.”
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“You’re clearly a great catch, but desire is a tricky thing, and we’re just not feeling a play match tonight.”
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“I don’t want to disappear and leave you guessing, so I’m just going to put on my big girl panties and say it: we’re not a play match, but we adore hanging out with you.”
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“You guys are so wonderful, but we’re just not feeling a play vibe for whatever reason. We’d love to still be fun, flirty friends."
And if you’re on the receiving end of a no? That doesn’t mean you're undesirable. It means you're not for them, which is valuable information. It frees you up to find other swingers who’re enthusiastically aligned.
So, don’t push it and make things awkward. Don’t ask what you did wrong or why exactly you aren’t a match. Respect the ‘no,’ my friends! Just like you’d want anyone else to respect your ‘no!’
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