Dating Your Own Partner
By Couple of Secrets for ASN Lifestyle Magazine
An article in a swingers’ magazine about dating your own partner may sound like an oxymoron. But it is not. The Lifestyle couples that we know have a strong bond between them and trust each other solidly. And believe it or not, most, date each other regularly.
Can You Date Your Long-Term Partner?
Does it make sense to keep dating your partner after having been together for a few years? Is it even possible? Our experience tells us that the answer to these questions is a resounding double yes!
It makes even more sense to date your partner after you have settled in together. Dating your partner obliges you to be creative and make a great impression. Come date night, you do your best to woo your better half, all the time savouring the possibility of what is yet to come. It is a great way to show each other that despite being swingers, you still court each other first and foremost.
Here are our five things to pay attention to when dating your partner:
1. Dressing Up for Your Partner
After a few years, you probably know each other's wardrobe inside-out. Your partner's collection consists of your absolute favourite, drop-dead pair of jeans, those couple of dresses that are 'just OK,' and that Star Wars T-shirt you have been doing your best to shrink with each laundry.
In time, you start gauging your partner's enthusiasm by the garments he or she puts on. When he's put on his cool white shirt only to go out with his Lifestyle date, somewhere, you may register it as him wanting to impress only others. When she puts on that paisley dress you find barely tolerable for a night out with you, you may file her attitude under 'disinterested.'
Bottom line: what you wear for your partner makes a difference.
2. Choosing a Vanilla Venue
– Baby? Wanna go on a date this Friday?
I have to admit to getting quite nervous waiting for Aliki's reply. Would she accept, or would she just brush it off and succumb to the monotony of our daily life and opt to stay home in pyjamas? My mobile vibrated a few minutes later.
– Sure, my love. Where?
– Fantastic! I'll take care of it.
When you choose the venue, don't take her to her favourite restaurant. It's too easy! Surprise her instead. Even if the food doesn't match expectations, the effort is appreciated. I keep a list of enticing places I would like to discover, and I go through it whenever I am taking Aliki out on a date. It makes life easier. And if I'm not inspired by anything on that list, I consult my single friends. They are a great source of what's hip and trendy in town.
You don't have to settle on dining out. It could be a throwback outing to the movies, a club, a jazz joint, theatre, a concert, stand-up comedy… whatever makes it special! My rule of thumb is to prepare the date for her and not for me. It's not what I would like to do, but more about what she would appreciate.
'Hey babe, I got us tickets to the latest Avengers movie!' is a line I know would work on Aliki — because I am lucky — but not necessarily on all girls.
3. Scoring with Your Partner
'I like it that you put on your sexy Trussardi shirt tonight!' Aliki told me across the table, giving me the eye.
I felt great (and got the idea for this article). The woman of my desire had just passed me a compliment with a lustful shine in her eyes. I knew that I had scored!
It might sound silly. Isn't it obvious that I would score, given that we have been together for so long? Well, no. Not all. Quite the opposite.
Precisely because we have been in a years-long relationship, because she has seen me at my worst, throwing up, feverish, drunk and wearing that torn Magic: The Gathering T-Shirt I cannot part with, I consider the chances of scoring with Aliki much lower than average. Each time that it happens, I chalk it down as a victory.
The prize? The best sex I can get, from someone who knows exactly what fires me up, gets me hot under the collar and juices me up (and then juices me off!).
4. Giving Yourself a Close Shave
'I badly need to shave!' I whined to Aliki a few weeks ago, scratching my greying beard.
'Don't do it next week while I'm away!' My lover was only half-joking.
Having a bald scalp does not save one from the drudgery of hair removal. For a couple of weeks, I had abandoned my body hair through a combination of lethargy, laziness, and busyness. Aliki likes me clean-shaven — all the way down — but she clearly interpreted that doing so while she's away would mean that I didn't quite do it for her.
Now, we can go into the psychology of possessiveness and the importance of doing things for oneself. But here I want to focus on doing things for your partner and the positive message it sends out.
I shaved just the evening we were going out. A few hours later, as Aliki unbuttoned my shirt, her breath smelling of sweet Pouilly-Fuissé, I reaped the benefits.
5. Taking Your Clothes Off
Let's be honest — the short-term aim of most dates is to lure the person opposite you to bed. That holds as true for your Lifestyle playdate as it does for your partner. Hence the importance of thinking in advance about the moment your clothes come off. Avoid putting on your Kylo Ren boxer shorts!
Like all Lifestyle women, Aliki has a wide range of sexy underwear, and I make it a point to add to her collection regularly. I would be vexed if she would only put them on when we go to a sex party or a swingers club. I want her to dress up and take them off for me, primarily. Better still — I want to take them off myself!
'You have been not wearing any undies for the whole evening?!'
I got an instant hard-on. In the car, I had just put my hands up Aliki's thighs before getting on the way back home and found out that nothing was keeping my fingers from touching her wet lips.
There's nothing better than dating your partner!
About Couple of Secrets
We are Aliki and Xander, a sex-positive couple in a committed relationship. We are parents, busy professionals, and writers by training. But above all, we are two lovers on a quest: to disprove the old adage that sex in long-term relationships degenerates over time. So far, it’s working! From very early on in our relationship, we focused on our sexual well-being and on erotic experimentation. In 2017, we launched Couple of Secrets, a blog where we chronicle our sexual exploration. We share not only practical information and fun experiences, but also our doubts, fears, and disputes as they happen. Couple of Secrets inspires many other couples who wish to open the door to sexual exploration, but aren’t sure what to do. It has also brought us in touch with many extraordinary people and taught us plenty!
This article originally appeared in the November 2019 issue of ASN Lifestyle Magazine.