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R-E-S-P-E-C-T
Lifestyle and the vanilla dating world are quite different, but it's difficult to describe to people. I realized that in this one-minute conversation with a Desire employee, he articulated something that was one of my favorite aspects of the lifestyle, but that I had not yet put a word to: Respect.
When we were staying at Desire Riviera Maya (a lifestyle resort in Cancun), I had a quick conversation with one of the employees. We were in line at the buffet at the same time in the midst of a human traffic jam. I’m not much of a small-talker, but I asked how long he had worked there. “Only a few months,” he replied. I asked where he had come from, and he said, “A family resort down the road.” I chuckled a little, “Wow, this must be a big change.” He also laughed. “It is,” he said, “Would you like to know the biggest difference?” Of course I did! “Respect. In that environment, men were ogling behind their spouse’s backs, pointing . . . it was very disrespectful towards women in general. Here, everything is more open and just more . . . respectful.”
Whatever the reason, it is a more respectful environment, and that means women can be their sexual selves.
When my husband and I started swinging, I thought back to my single days as a reference for ‘dating.’ I didn’t know how or if it translated into dating couples, but it was my only reference. Very quickly into it, however, I felt a marked difference. As a single woman, I remember many evenings ruined by men who couldn’t take a hint. If a woman smiles at a guy or actually flirts with him, the risk of being followed or otherwise pursued by said guy for the rest of the night exists. Guys — if this is news for you, you might understand why women are hesitant to make advances toward men. Our culture has created a predator model for dating. Women wait, men look for the signal, and then pounce. Of course, this doesn’t happen every time, but any woman will tell you, it’s a risk. Smile at the wrong guy, and your night may be ruined.
In lifestyle settings, I noticed a difference around this right away. Maybe this is because we didn’t start swinging until our 40s, which is common, so we’ve all matured into better human beings. Maybe it’s because there is less “pursuing” because you are already with your spouse/partner/FWB. Whatever the reason, it is a more respectful environment, and that means women can be their sexual selves.
My experience has been that in a mixed dancefloor (vanilla and lifestyle), I am more likely to be groped by a vanilla guy.
Come along with me right now and imagine your partner/wife/girlfriend out in a vanilla bar, acting and flirting as much as she might in a lifestyle setting. Even if she’s not wearing the shortest skirt she owns and a lingerie top, she may either attract unwanted attention (that guy who ends up creepily following her around all night) or, on the other end of the spectrum, she would be harshly judged. Our culture has told us that we should be very sexual in private, but prudish in public. Lest there be consequences. This makes me wonder if the same exists in lesbian clubs, due to the actual absence of men, but I’ll have to do some field research on that one. Countless men have told me that one of the things they love the most about the lifestyle is seeing their partners express their sexual sides. Mine, too, by the way. Both watching others and expressing my own. Little do most men know that it’s because of them (in our culture) that keeps us from doing that on the regular. In a scene from "Ted Lasso" (S3E8), Rebecca asks what she can do to support Keeley after a sexy video is leaked on the internet. Keeley says:
“Only restructure society so that women are not constantly sexualized while simultaneously being crucified for being sexual.”
What she said. My experience is such that the lifestyle has offered a glimpse into that restructuring. Mind you, I have experienced it only as part of a couple, so I am curious what single women in the lifestyle would say to this. My experience has been that in a mixed dancefloor (vanilla and lifestyle), I am more likely to be groped by a vanilla guy. I have always wanted to produce a bumper sticker that says, “Grabbing my breasts is not a dance move,” but I digress.
People are people, and assholes (men and women) exist everywhere.
I never want to imply that there is some sort of utopia going on in lifestyle-land. People are people, and assholes (men and women) exist everywhere. I will say, however, that asshole behavior is more frowned upon as a whole. Using your voice will quickly bring in support all around if someone fouls you.
When we were pretty new in the lifestyle, a woman we met told us a story that illustrates this. She was in a hot tub at Desire, wearing only her bikini bottoms. Some of the women were totally naked, so a guy asked her why she didn’t have hers off (already a red flag). She didn’t owe him an answer but said that she was more comfortable this way. He reached to grab her bikini bottom. He was pounced on and yelled at by every single person around him. He left the hot tub. You learn, or you leave.
The other issue, both in vanilla and lifestyle settings, of course, is that people drink too much, which can also bring on questionable behavior. If you know your behavior might get you kicked out, however, which happens in lifestyle clubs and parties, then there is more incentive not to get to that point.
Many people love the lifestyle because of the “cool people” and social scene. I theorize that it’s this crazy, yet more respectful environment, that people are attracted to. It might not look like that from the outside with the debauchery of almost to all-the-way naked bodies, avid making out, and the let-loose dancing, but if Juan from Desire noticed it, who was around it full-time, I’m sure you would, too.
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