Why I Enjoy Being a Sub

“Vanilla” folks often have a difficult time wrapping their heads around the idea of being a “submissive.” As a result, many misconceptions have developed around submissiveness in the BDSM world. For example, that we subs must have experienced some form of abuse in our pasts, or we are weak doormats who allow others to use us. My hope in writing this post is to bring a little awareness to who subs REALLY are, and the reasons I personally choose to submit to my partner.

First Things First…

Let’s define some of the terms that will be used in this post. A submissive is a person who chooses to relinquish a carefully negotiated amount of control to one or more other parties. Alternately, a dominant is the party provided with said power. A submissive (sub) and dominant (Dom), when entering into what is called a D/S dynamic, develop rules (called limits) as well as agreements on how long the control will last (i.e., one play session, during sex only, or 24/7). Another synonymous term for a sub is a bottom. Typically, a person will be referred to as a bottom of they are willing to participate in a scene with a Dom (or top) but unwilling to relinquish control to extend beyond said scene.

It’s important to note, in a D/s or top/bottom arrangement, the sub has ALL of the real control. He/she sets the boundaries, lays out the deal-breakers, and should always be armed with a safe word during play should he/she need to stop for any reason. The control a Dom has is by perception only, a game being played in order to excite both players.

Now, Why Do I Think Being a Sub is So Badass?

I can’t speak for all subs but, for me, submissiveness is about shedding any and all real-life, adult responsibilities. I get to forget about my clients at work, the stack of dirty laundry waiting for me at home, and the dog’s vet appointment. I have a chance during play to just enjoy the moment, to get lost in the sensations. The feeling of providing someone else with the responsibility of decision-making — even if for only an hour or two — is the greatest stress relief I have ever experienced.

I would be lying if I said it wasn’t about the pain, too. As a true pain slut — someone who receives sexual satisfaction from pain infliction — it is important to me that some level of physical torture exists in my BDSM scenes. Before you make a snap judgment, allow me to explain. The human brain is such an interesting and complex thing. When someone is put under physical duress, the brain releases a flood of endorphins as a means of combatting the pain. During physical pleasure, the brain releases a chemical called oxytocin. Together, the two create a feeling of euphoria, of pure bliss. It’s a natural high unlike anything else I have ever personally experienced. Therefore, if a Dom can mix painful elements, like spanking or flogging, with pleasurable play, like massaging or sexual contact, the result can be mind-blowing.

All of that said, my favorite part of being a sub is my ability to build a bond unlike any other with my Dom. Brian is my partner in all things, but the trust we have instilled in one another through our BDSM play has just deepened our adoration for one another. He understands me on a level nobody ever has before. He has seen me at my most primal, stripped of all societal expectations of who I should be. I provide him with an amazing amount of discretionary control over my body during play, knowing with full confidence that he always has my best interest in mind.

In Conclusion…

I am fully aware that being a sub, or BDSM play in general, is not the right fit for everyone. But that’s not because we are weak or docile. My personality is the exact opposite. I’m a spitfire, a feminist, a strong woman who has an immense amount of self-respect. My educated decision to give myself to my Dom and allow him to control our play does not negate any of that. Quite the contrary; I believe it takes a strong mind to actively participate in a D/s relationship. I sincerely hope this writing has helped to open some minds just a little, as the BDSM lifestyle is one full of emotional and mental rewards. For further information on submissiveness or BDSM in general, check out our website, frontporchswingers.com, or email us directly at mail@frontporchswingers.com.


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Front Porch Swingers
Nothing we do is the norm. From meeting on Craigslist Casual Encounters (RIP) to participating in a BDSM dynamic to swinging, we are far from what most people would consider "The Norm." That being said, you would be hard-pressed to find people in a more healthy, communicative relationship than us. We talk about everything, we work through any and all concerns regarding our play, and we are committed to one another on a level that some would fail to imagine.

That has not been the case in previous relationships for us. Between the two of us, we have 5 failed marriages under our belts. We found ourselves over and over again in unfulfilling relationships, unable to be our true selves for fear of judgement and/or rejection. We feel strongly that the less than positive experiences in our pasts have
prepared us well for happy and enriched lives together going forward. We understand what it takes to develop complete trust and honesty in a relationship, and we are passionate about helping others attain it.

Our podcast, our blog, and our future coaching provide us an opportunity to share our failures as well as our successes with other like-minded folks. Our goal is to create content based on not only our personal experiences, but also the vast amount of research we have done on subjects including BDSM, swinging, polyamory, and so much more. We are passionate about providing insights on how to live your most fulfilled
and adventurous life possible!