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Am I in a Real Relationship?

a couple on a couch with a woman to the right holding hands with the man

Contemplating the lifestyle

Relationships make up essential components of our society’s social structure. I think it’s hard to argue that statement.

However, the debate over what constitutes swinging or being in the lifestyle can get quite lively, especially when one considers other alternative lifestyles such as polyamory. Detailed discussions teasing out the multitude of ways that people define themselves are beyond the scope of this blog today, but I think it may also be safe to say that the definition of being in the lifestyle includes the concept of ethical non-monogamy.

Interestingly, swinging is on the rise, with up to 15 million Americans at least periodically swapping partners (ethically non-monogamously). In fact, a recent study found that over 20% of the population had engaged in consensual non-monogamy at some point in their lives.

Let’s take a look at Rick and Kelly…

Rick is a male in his 50s. He has been in a monogamous marriage with Kelly, also in her 50s. After long discussions about the pros and cons, Rick and Kelly decided to “open up” their relationship and have an ethically non-monogamous partnership. Recently, Rick ran into an acquaintance, Marla, at an event. Marla, partnered in a committed but not ethically non-monogamous relationship, was interested in Rick’s flirtations. No judgment on Rick or the woman; people have their very personal reasons for their behaviors. Rick and Marla hit it off, and after a few drinks, they went to her room to have sex.

First, are they in a relationship?

Many would argue that they just had one night of sex and therefore it does not qualify a “real” relationship. Hmmm… “Real?”

In reality, there are a number of types of relationships. You will find that even in the following list, many relationships overlap:

Family relationships
Friendships
Acquaintances
Romantic relationships
Sexual relationships
Work relationships
Situational relationships (sometimes called “situationships“ [1])

So, even in the briefest of encounters, you have engaged in a “relationship.” What kind of relationship is ultimately up to you.

Now that we’ve established that Rick initiated a relationship, we have to ask, is this lifestyle? Well, the lifestyle is about ethically non-monogamous relationships. Rick is ethically non-monogamous, but Marla is not.

Rick returned home with plans to see Marla again. Surprisingly, Kelly had some questions. Kelly expressed concern that Marla was not in the lifestyle. Kelly asked if Marla understood the nature of a lifestyle relationship, and although fun and exciting, it was not an affair. Kelly’s concerns grew after Rick received an invite to attend an event with Marla for most of the day on a weekend. Kelly asked Rick whether Marla understood the limits of the relationship as they had discussed, given that Marla was not in the lifestyle and was seeking a romantic affair partner. Kelly expressed a desire to meet Marla, even briefly, to say hi and introduce herself… and establish a concrete visual boundary. Marla was not on-board with a meeting; she challenged whether Rick’s relationship was really open if Kelly needed to meet her.

Each individual — Rick, Kelly, and Marla — has to determine what type of relationship they have with the other, particularly given that Rick and Kelly are in a committed and ethically non-monogamous relationship already. Both Rick and Kelly have expressed a desire to keep their relationship stable, and to them, that means not pursuing a polyamorous situation. Although the three may decide for themselves what their relationship is with the other, self-assessments and other-rated assessments don’t always agree. For example, Marla sees it as a potential romantic relationship, but Rick may see it as a situational relationship, while Kelly sees their relationship as only sexual. These different viewpoints can lead to conflict, which can readily be addressed by seeing a professional coach.