Making new connections at swingers' clubs can be intimidating for any couple, but it doesn't have to be! In this Q&A with ASN's Tom & Bunny, they answer two questions about how to get over being too timid to talk to cliquey party tables and letting go of the fear of rejection.
Shy S&J Want to Fit In with the Swingers’ Club Cliques
Hello Tom & Bunny,
We are very new to the lifestyle, and we really want to make this work for us. The problem is that we are both very shy. We have recently been frequenting a swingers’ club in our city, but we don’t know how to approach people. There seems to be a lot of “cliques” in the club, and we would really like to get to know some of these couples but don’t want to get turned down. What is the best approach to meet couples and feel like we fit in with the regulars at the club?
We have seen your situation throughout our travels, and many clubs do an incredible job at making their members feel welcome as well as making introductions. While there is no way to avoid the notion of cliques at clubs, those groups are mostly just good friends who have forgotten that they themselves were new once and that they have just gotten comfortable with the friends they have made. The problem is, they don’t make themselves inviting for couples to approach on an outward appearance; however, trust us that if you approach people regardless if they are in your perception of being in a clique or alone, they are honestly looking to meet new people, too, and most often will welcome you with open arms.
We just had this conversation this past weekend, where a couple told us that they were actually wrong in thinking that by just going to a club that people would be swarming to get at them. They quickly realized that they had to be the people going up to others and making introductions.
We suggest that you have confidence and just walk up to the party tables and tell them that you have been watching them, and you want to party with them because they look like they are having so much fun (everyone likes to have their egos stroked)! You can also talk to the club host and ask them to make introductions between you and couples they feel you with whom you would have more in common. Your club host typically knows a lot of details about their members just by observing and getting to know others. Another source would be the bartenders! If your club has bartenders, they are going to know everyone! Bartenders are great at making introductions; they know who the party people are, which people are looking for more intimate conversations, the ones who dance, etc. If given enough information about yourself, the bartenders could almost play matchmaker!
As for rejection, that is part of the swinging lifestyle. Don’t take it personally if you are not someone’s cup of tea or match. Accept their rejection as a positive, and learn what works and what doesn’t when approaching couples. Just because a couple rejects you sexually doesn’t mean they dislike you personally and can’t introduce you to someone who they know might be a better fit. Above all, our best suggestion would be to treat everyone positively, regardless of how you personally feel about them; the next couple you may be interested in could very well be close friends with them and how you radiate yourself to them is how they will recommend you to their friends.
We hope this helps.
– Tom & Bunny
T&P are Nervous about Rejection
Dear Tom & Bunny,
We have been fans for a while, and we watch all of your videos because not only do we find them informative, but the way you both interact is entertaining, and we wanted to thank you for doing them.
We have recently started going to clubs, and we have not approached anyone because, honestly, we are afraid of being rejected. We went back through your videos, but we don’t recall anything about how to handle rejection. Have you two personally been rejected? And, if so, how did you handle it? Can you still be friends with someone who rejected you?
– T & P
Thank you for watching our videos. We enjoy doing them, and we are glad you find our interaction entertaining. To answer your question, yes, we have been rejected many times; it’s just how the lifestyle is. Does it hurt our feelings? To be honest, yes, it does, but we also know we are not always going to be someone else’s cup of tea. There are so many variations when two couples meet up — so many that we say there is a 75% chance nothing will happen because it only takes one to say no.
We look for a physical attraction with potential playmates and, if we don’t have a physical attraction, we will see if a mental attraction develops. Honestly — more times than not for us — people we have played with from a physical attraction wasn’t as good as playing with someone with whom we have developed a mental attraction. If we have either of those two, and we feel the other couple is feeling something like we are, we might step up and ask if they are interested in taking things further. We know that’s a bold step because we are opening the door to rejection, and we all know that never feels good.
If we are rejected, we won’t lie — we go into a fetus position and cry it out for a while, maybe even kick and scream and whine, wondering what was wrong with us! OK, we lied; we don’t do any of that. But we do understand that if you don’t ask, you won’t know, and if you wait for the other couple to ask, they may never ask themselves, and then at least we know where we stand.
Can we be friends with people who have rejected us? We absolutely can. This lifestyle is a small community, and we are here to meet people. The chances are high that just because one couple rejected you or, should we say, are not interested in playing with you, that doesn’t mean they can’t be friends with you. Even better, they might know someone you may be more compatible with that you yourself find just as attractive, either or both physically or mentally.
There are currently a lot of topics we are seeing about rejection and how people handle it. Everyone handles it differently; however, those who can take those rejections and grow from them will have a lot more fun in the swinging lifestyle.
– Tom & Bunny
This article originally appeared in the April 2019 issue of ASN Lifestyle Magazine.