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V is for Variety

Variety is the spice of life, as the saying goes.

Variety is the spice of life, as the saying goes. It's fun to do our best to keep love alive and the sexual experience exciting with our loved one(s) but sometimes it is simply a little change and variety that can stimulate and enhance your already amazing relationship.

Spice things up with a Different Location and Position

Exploring ways to change things up and keep your sex life exciting can include variety in where you make love. If you always make love in the bedroom, try a different part of the house or in the car, outside in the backyard or on a beach… I especially enjoy making love outside and am lucky to have a nice private backyard with a pool.

I remember one time getting frisky in a cable car in Switzerland, thinking we had it all to ourselves. I had forgotten, however, that there were cable cars coming down the mountain too, and whilst I was in full swing a cable car full of Asian tourists went by, all with their camera’s flashing!

And one time we were on a train trip, riding in the back, and I was going down on my man. We were so caught up in the moment that we got a bit of a shock when there was a tap on the window and the cleaning crew were waiting for us to finish so they could come in and do their job! The train had already arrived at our destination!

If you usually like to make love doing missionary, face-to-face, add some variety to your sexual positions. Try getting done from behind or getting on top. Explore a variety of oral pleasuring. Add some of the suggestions I highlighted in C for Cunnilingus, and P for Penis Play… A fun game is to see how many different positions you can do whilst still connected! A sexual game of Twister, if you like!

Add Variety with Mutliple Partners

Variety in sexual partners can keep a relationship alive and sexually stimulated, too. Which is why you are involved in this sexually open lifestyle community! I encourage you all to change things up and add variety to your lovemaking by inviting others to join you.

Just recently, on a cruise, one of my workshops was about “How to Make the Most of your Lifestyle Vacation” and the topic of how to approach someone or a couple, and “clinch the deal” came up. One seasoned swinger shared that it is important to be direct and actually go up to the person you’d like to connect with and come right out and say that you would like to have sex with them. You can only get a yes or a no! Then you know exactly where you stand and whether they are interested or not. I agreed and encouraged everyone on the cruise to go beyond their comfort zones and be direct and speak their desires out loud.

Well, one of the couples at the workshop found me later on, and put my advice into practice. They said I had been the subject of their sexual fantasies while they were making love, talking about how sexy it would be if Dr. Shelley were to join them. And they came right out and asked me if I would like to go to their room and join them for a threesome! How could I refuse!? So, I excused myself from my partner and said I had been summoned and would return! It felt very sexy to be wanted. It turned me on that they had been talking about me whilst having sex, and that I was part of their fantasy. And to then to follow through and join them was even more fun!

Decide if Fantasy should stay Fantasy or become Reality

As I mentioned in D for Desires… it is fun to talk about your sexual fantasies with your partner and to then decide if it is best kept a fantasy or whether you would like to fulfill that fantasy. Sometimes fantasies are best kept fantasies, but when traveling -- especially on a lifestyle vacation -- step outside your comfort zones and add some variety to your lovemaking. Go for it! You never know till you try, and more often than not, having a sexual connection with another or others may open many more doors. I have met so many incredible people from all over the world in this lifestyle, and now have sexual friends everywhere I go that welcome me into their homes, host parties for me or even put together a group of people for a play shop.

This is truly a magical community of super interesting, sexually open, worldly people. Much better than a handshake and a “hello my name is,” is to get naked and explore each other sexually, which can lead to long-lasting friendships that are fun, exploratory and exciting.

I have noticed though that sometimes in the swinging community there are different “groups” of swingers. People who have found a great connection with other couples and stay in touch, travel together, party together and enjoy each other’s company. It is also important for these “groups” to keep the variety going, too. To welcome in new people to their close-core group of lovers. To keep the variety there.

Toys add Variety, too

And in our own personal lives, it is important to have variety, sexually. Adding sex toys, different role-plays, sexy outfits, inviting others to join in to keep it varied and interesting.

I was recently introduced to a new toy called the Womanizer, which intensifies the orgasm for a woman by generating almost what feels like a spark of energy right over the clitoris. Experiment with new toys and add them to your lovemaking.

I was excited to walk into my local sex shop on Black Friday and to find out everything in the store was 50% off! Needless to say, I ended up buying up large. I love toys, especially when playing with others. I love to have a variety of butt toys, vibrating ones, ones of varying sizes, and other vibrators for the pussy. Vibrating hand massage gloves. Start building up your repertoire of toys and things to stimulate your partner and yourself. I also recommend buying a waterproof, washable blanket to put down on your bed to play on. Especially if you want to explore the G-spot and female ejaculation! Nothing worse than holding back in fear of making a mess or letting it rip only to have to change the bed completely before going to sleep or having to sleep on a wet spot!

And that is what is so exciting about this lifestyle: The variety is endless. The experiences are mind-opening and the opportunities vast. Say YES to life (more on that under Y for YES) and all that it has to offer. And give thanks to yourself and your partner for being open to all of this. Honor them for being a sexual adventurer with you. Variety in all things sexual keeps love spicy and flavorful! Next is W for Women…

Dr. Shelley

Originally from New Zealand, now based in Las Vegas, Dr Shelley has a PhD specializing in human sexuality and in particular open relationships and polyamory. She is the author of Soul Sex, and the Anti-Aging & Health Benefits of Sex. Dr Shelley teaches small group intensives, workshops and has been working with couples and individuals for 20 years focusing on making the world more sexually joyful. She is excited to share her latest writings Dr Shelley's A-Z of Sex.
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