What Do I Want Now?

Webinar hosted by Colette of THEGODDESSACADEMY

Menopause. Identity. Desire. And everything nobody warned us about. Our bodies change. Our relationships evolve. Our desires shift. But what happens when we start questioning who we are and what we actually want? Join Colette Pienaar, founder of The Goddess Academy and author of Menopause, Rewritten and With Permission, for honest, unfiltered conversation. No judgment. No expectations. Just real conversations.

A New Chapter With Fewer Filters

Colette's own story sets the tone. She divorced about three years ago, then met her partner and began exploring the lifestyle. That journey, she says, revealed "layers to me that I didn't even know existed" around confidence, desire, boundaries and what she wants from life. She has now been involved in the lifestyle for about two years and calls it "the best chapter of my life so far."

A recurring theme is that midlife brings "fewer fucks to give." When she turned 50, her filter "literally disappeared," and she decided to speak her mind and live her truth. A quick audience poll backed her up: most attendees said it is easier to say what they want now than it was at 30.

Yet she drew an important distinction. Knowing what you want and being able to ask for it are "two very, very different things." That gap sits at the heart of the conversation she wanted to have. She praised lifestyle communities for their openness, noting that lifestyle friends discuss topics you would never raise with "vanilla friends" without raised eyebrows. Wanting a space for exactly those conversations is why she created her group, Midlife Unfiltered.

Menopause Is More Than Hormones and Hot Flushes

Menopause is far bigger than hormones, hot flushes and sex drive. It rarely arrives as one dramatic event. Instead, it tends to show up as a collection of small changes: poor sleep, waking exhausted after eight hours in bed, weight gain in new places, a dent in confidence, impatience and emotional swings. Over time, those changes can lead to deeper questions like "Who am I now?" and "Am I brave enough to ask for what I want?"

Aging and menopause are not the same thing, and not every change is hormonal. Her advice is to get informed, ask questions and seek professional support rather than "putting up with" symptoms, because feeling unlike yourself physically affects your relationships. Colette also acknowledged that men go through similar changes of their own.

These shifts can quietly strain long-term relationships. A woman may feel uncomfortable in her body, exhausted or less interested in intimacy, while her partner wonders, "Have I done something wrong? Doesn't she fancy me anymore?" Often neither person understands what is really happening. As Collette put it, "We can't have meaningful conversations about what we want if we don't understand what's happening to us."

Practical Options When Sex Becomes Uncomfortable

Responding to a viewer, who shared that penetration had become very difficult, Colette walked through several practical options. Oral sex is one alternative. Lube helps, though it is not always enough, since the issue is often internal vaginal dryness. Localized estrogen cream is another route and avoids the whole-body effects that tablets can have.

She also spoke about HRT, which she uses herself and says made "a huge difference." While older studies linked it to cancer, she described that risk as now very small and encouraged anyone considering it to discuss it with a healthcare professional.

Not Going Backwards: The Five Pillar Expansion Method

Many people in midlife long to get their "old self" back, with the old body, energy and sex drive. Colette offered a different perspective: "What if we're not supposed to go backwards?" Midlife, she suggested, can be a chance to become someone more self-aware, more comfortable saying no and more willing to ask "what about me?"

She described the many women who have spent years prioritizing children, partners, careers and parents. They know everyone else's schedule, yet when asked what they would do with a weekend to themselves, they "haven't got a bloody clue." In her view, these women have not lost themselves. They have simply stopped making themselves a priority.

To help, she introduced her Five Pillar Expansion Method, drawn from her work on women's nutrition, fitness, recovery and menopause. Nourish covers body, mind and soul. Train builds strength, resilience and trust in your body. Recover is about rest, sleep and permission to slow down. Reframe challenges stories like "I'm too old," "I'm not attractive anymore" or "I've always been this way." Finally, Rise means acting on what you discover, because, as she put it, you can eat, sleep and train well "and still have no bloody idea what you want from your life."

What the Lifestyle Has Taught Her

Colette believes a "vanilla life" would not have taught her as much about her confidence, insecurities, boundaries and communication. One of her key lessons is that you can be curious about something without wanting to do it, because fantasy and reality are different things. Viewers shared similar experiences, including one woman whose husband introduced her to the lifestyle. It was hard at first, she said, until she "separated the emotional part."

Colette also acknowledged that partners who love each other can still want different things. One may feel confident in a club while the other feels self-conscious, and finding four people who all fancy each other, the elusive "four genuine yeses," is a real challenge. She cautioned that a quick "yes, that's fine" can sometimes hide "I don't want to disappoint you" or "I don't want you to think I'm boring."

Consent, Desire and the Power of an Invitation

"Consent isn't about persuading someone to agree." Feeling free to say no matters just as much as saying yes.

Colette explained that desire is not always spontaneous. For many people it develops in response to closeness, affection, relaxation or stimulation, arriving after connection begins. Midlife factors such as poor sleep, stress, hormones and dryness do not mean love or attraction has gone, and nobody should push through discomfort or unwanted sex. Low desire does not always call for more pressure. Partners may instead need understanding, affection without expectation, more chances to connect, or medical support for symptoms affecting comfort and wellbeing. There is no single answer for every couple.

Her communication advice was a favorite moment of the session. Rather than saying "You never want sex anymore," try "I've noticed intimacy feels different for us lately. How are you feeling about it?" In her words, "One feels like an accusation. And the other is an invitation."

Fantasy, Curiosity and Boundaries

Colette reminded attendees that sharing a fantasy is not a request for action. She described a partner hearing a long-held fantasy and thinking, "oh God, does that mean we're actually going to have to do this?" Listening is not agreeing to participate. If every fantasy is treated as a request, people stop sharing, and some fantasies are more enjoyable left as fantasies.

Colette added that curiosity changes over time. What appeals today may not in six months, and something once dismissed may become interesting. "We're allowed to explore and we're allowed to change our minds."

Being adventurous does not mean abandoning boundaries. Knowing and communicating them actually makes exploration more enjoyable. Her key questions for couples are whether they can say what they want, admit discomfort, say no without fear of disappointing someone, and change their minds.

Jealousy and the Challenge of Honest Conversation

Colette called the idea that swingers should be immune to jealousy "a load of nonsense," since everyone has emotions, insecurities and histories. You might expect to be fine watching your partner flirt, then feel something unexpected in the room. That is not failure. It is learning. What matters is acknowledging the feeling, talking without blame and adjusting agreements. Exploration should add to a relationship, not leave one person feeling they have to "catch up." 

So why does talking to strangers often feel easier than talking to a long-term partner? People fear what honesty might imply: that their partner is not enough, will feel rejected or will think they want to overhaul the relationship. So they stay silent and hope to be read. Viewers noted that strangers are easier because "they can't hurt us" and their opinion does not matter, with one joking it is "even better" when the stranger wants to sleep with you.

Colette suggested conversation starters approached with curiosity rather than judgment or problem-solving.

"What makes you feel most desired?" "When do you feel most connected to me?" "Is there anything you've been curious about but haven't felt confident enough to bring up?" "Is there something we used to do that you don't want to do anymore?"

Neither partner is the same person they were 10 or 20 years ago, and each new experience is like "peeling back an onion skin." It is fine to admit "we haven't got a bloody clue what we want," she said. The first step is simply being willing to ask.

Midlife Unfiltered and the ENM Compass

Colette announced Midlife Unfiltered, a new group offering articles, discussion starters and resources on menopause, intimacy, pleasure, relationships, identity and the lifestyle. She wants it shaped by its members, including women in menopause, partners trying to understand them, ENM couples and the simply curious. 

She also introduced the ENM Compass, a questionnaire to help couples explore their motivations, desires, boundaries and expectations around ethical non-monogamy. She stressed it is "not a test," has "no right or wrong answers" and is not meant to decide whether anyone should be in the lifestyle. Her insight here was striking: couples are great at discussing the practical side of exploration, such as where they are going, where they are meeting, what they are wearing and what might happen. They spend far less time on why they are doing it, what they hope to experience and how they might feel afterwards, and those conversations matter just as much.

Attendees suggested future topics including age gaps in relationships, insecurities, partners with different expectations and how to approach the hotwife dynamic, all of which Colette flagged as interesting for future discussion.

So, What Do You Want?

Colette closed by returning to her opening question: "What the fuck do you want?" Some people know exactly, some have "the whole list," and others are still figuring it out. Midlife Unfiltered, she explained, is not about telling women, men or couples what they should want. It is "about creating the freedom to work that out for themselves and perhaps understanding each other a little better along the way."

Midlife, in her view, "doesn't have to be a point where we start winding things down." It can be a time for "opening things up to new conversations, new experiences, new possibilities," and a fresh understanding of who we are. Her parting reminder was one worth holding onto: "It's absolutely OK to want what you want and equally OK to not want what you don't want."

Original webinar was live-streamed on SDC.com on Wednesday, November 4th, 2026