Polyamory or Monogamy in a Swinger Relationship

Maddy V     
Polyamory or Monogamy in a Swinger Relationship
Polyamory or Monogamy in a Swinger Relationship
Swinging: it seems like a simple concept, but within the swinger world, you have couples who have a monogamous relationship and those who have no problem with polyamory.

The term 'swingers' can be used in many ways. Wikipedia defines swinging as follows: "Swinging, sometimes called wife swapping, husband swapping or partner swapping, is sexual activity in which both singles and partners in a committed relationship engage in such activities with others as a recreational or social activity."

There must be an erotic component, and the partners of a swingers couple have a love bond and/or are married. Only then is trading partners 'swinging.' But within the swingers world — no matter how contradictory that may sound — you have monogamous relationships. With swinging you can, therefore, speak of a form of group sex: the group is formed by the couples and couples who 'exchange' themselves with each other. The couples are usually male to female.


Infidelity or Not?


Many couples who are interested in swinging wonder if you are unfaithful to each other. After all, you do not commit adultery, but you have sex with others, which is seen by many people in a monogamous relationship as being unfaithful. But swinging is not unfaithful because both partners are aware and participate in the partner exchange. The partners search together for other (sex) partners on dating sites, at parties, or in clubs after having made prior agreements about the form in which they want to swing (full swap, soft swap, etc.). Most male swingers turn out to be heterosexual, and women sometimes want to try out bisexual experiences or simply have bisexual interests.


The Traditional Swinger Relationship


Monogamy is having a commitment with one partner and not having other relational or sexual partners during the relationship. And, as crazy as it may sound, swinger couples generally have a traditional (monogamous) relationship and are very focused on their own partner with whom they have an exclusive love affair. The only non-conventional behavior in a monogamous swinger relationship is that they have sex with other couples. As far as their love relationship is concerned, they are loyal to their own partner and it is, therefore, not the intention for most to develop feelings for others. But a person remains a person so, to avoid this as much as possible, they often date with the same couples. In a monogamous swinger relationship, both partners have sex with others. Yet a swinger set can unexpectedly end up in a polyamorous relationship if one of them develops feelings for another.


Polyamory and Swingers


What does polyamory mean in relation to swinging? Simply having a love and sex relationship in addition to the relationship with your own partner. Polyamory, therefore, is a lifestyle in which people are open to having more than one love relationship at the same time and in which there is also room for sex. The conditions are that there should be openness, honesty, and agreement from all involved. Unlike polygamy, there is no question of marriage in polyamory.

In a polyamorous relationship, a man or woman can have a relationship with another person without their own partner being present. However, that relationship is always with the partner's permission. Polyfidelity is a form in which there is an exclusive, lasting sexual connection with several partners (the own partner and one or more others).


BDSM and Polyamory


The values of a polyamorous relationship are usually based on respect, honesty, communication, and negotiation. You can also find these values in the BDSM subculture that many polyamorists engage in because they, in addition to their own partner, have a specific relationship with someone who is also in the BDSM world.

Swingers and polyamorists are, therefore, two different concepts. It is sometimes said that swing kills polyamory and vice versa. The only agreement is to share a non-monogamous lifestyle with intimate relationships with more than one person.


What Do Swingers Say about Polyamory or Monogamy in a Swinger Relationship?


"We do not swing apart from each other. Not because we do not want each other, but because we do not think it is necessary. We find nothing better than seeing each other enjoy each other, or to spoil others. And to enjoy each other together after the end of the date. But who knows? It may happen to us that we get feelings for someone else. Openness is the only answer, and discuss how you will deal with it."

"We have friendships that have been around for years. Some we can love, some we can stay with or go on vacation with. We can date separately. But we also had to say goodbye to a lot, and with a lot of sadness because the one still felt it, and the other one no longer. Just go dating. If something beautiful grows out of it after that date, then that is extra valuable for us."

"We are more polyswingers, and with a super click between all four, there is the possibility of dating in all sorts of combinations. So also separately. But there is always an emotional aspect to it and sometimes you see that it is more difficult for one of the four. Those are going to test empathic abilities. People must be able to be very open about their feelings, and others must respect them. Separate dating is not the hardest part of this; as soon as people get real polyamorous feelings for others, it often gets a little scary."

Read more about jealousy in relationships.


Maddy V

Dutch journalist and editor. Specialized in writing articles about sex, health and relationships.
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