Get Aroused!
For some of you, the wind just has to blow and you are automatically excited and ready to have sex. For the rest of you, it might not come as easy.

For some of you, the wind just has to blow and you are automatically excited and ready to have sex. For the rest of you, it might not come as easy. Maybe you’re having a “low-desire” episode in your life or maybe that new relationship energy has worn off and you aren’t as excitable as you used to be. A lot of people have tension around getting sexually aroused when they are partnered. I’ve also noticed that when someone isn’t partnered and they feel that they’ve lost their sexual mojo, it’s quite clear that they truly have.

Getting back your sexual energy requires patience, but once that cycle is up, it keeps spiraling up, so it’s good to have some strategies to increase your libido.


Time to get in touch with yourself... literally.


If you don’t have a steady lover, it’s good to masturbate and think about things that are pleasurable to you. If you have porn, use it every once in a while to help you get aroused; however, don’t become dependent on it because it actually changes your brain function. Think about the most pleasurable moments in your life when you have felt sexually secure and genuinely sexy. In addition, it’s extremely sexy to have a passion in your life. No matter what it is, doing something with your life that you are passionate about helps your libido in all kinds of ways. Once people see how motivated you are by your passion, they also get inspired and that energy tends to resonate from inside. For those of you who struggle to find your passion, take the time to figure it out. You will be glad you did.


Connect with someone.


Another way to get your sexual desire back is to create emotional bonds. How do you do that? Hug people. And don’t just hug them for a half second and pat them on the back; I mean, go in with two full arms, tight and loving. Often times, we don’t hug people (like our coworkers) because of the fear of what they may think (or some fear of sexual harassment). Get over it the best way you can. When you hug people out of pure love (with no other intention), people feel it. And once you have created that emotional bond, it’s easier to talk to them and get to know them a little bit better than you knew was possible.

If you have a steady lover, get those hugs in every day -- and not just 2-second hugs. I mean 20-second hugs where you are holding tight, grabbing their butt and pushing it into your pelvis. Intensifying this hug jolts your sexual energy and helps you get back on the right track of bringing together your sexual connection.


Kiss, tenderly.


Make-out/French kiss/kiss tenderly with your partner at least once a week. Don’t kiss when you want to have sex, but rather kiss without any other intention. In addition to a passionate kiss at least once a week (which will turn into more), you need to make kissing part of your routine. Whether it’s a kiss when you leave each other and come back again or whether it’s when you wake up and go to bed. Make kissing a part of your routine. That way, it won’t feel awkward when the passionate kiss happens. More likely, it will be an excitable kiss – especially since you have a nerve that connects your upper lip to your genitals.


Say it out loud!


Another way to bring up your arousal level is to do love proclamations. Not only does this mean saying “I love you” to your lover every day, but also acting out your love proclamations. What appeals to your lover the most as far as love desires. Do these and incorporate moments of erotic intentional touch. Sometimes it takes more work than anticipated, but remember, love is patient, so once you start acting and being ‘love,’ your partner will reciprocate those actions (without them really noticing, either!).


Connect to the beat.


Do you have a sexy playlist that you like that makes you feel sexy every time? If not, create one! Music helps release endorphins and helps to reduce stress. In addition, the right music will get you in the mood. Whether it’s the melody or the lyrics, you can find the right song to stimulate you. If you want to take it a step further, think about a song that you and your partner made love to or danced to where you felt that fire. Thinking back to the times when you first got aroused by your partner also help to reignite some of those old sparks to get them to be active again.




The fact is you have to put in a little bit of effort and have a little bit of patience if you want to ignite your sexual sparks. In today’s culture, we thrive on “instant” and if something takes too long, we tend to give up easily. My advice: Take the time and don’t give up on the love you have for yourself and the love you have for other people. Leaving or giving up is the easiest route to go, but the rewards are greater when you get through obstacles instead of leaving the course.

Marla Stewart

Marla Renee Stewart, MA is a professional sex, intimacy and relationship coach and sex educator. Not only is she a lecturer at Clayton State University, she is also the co-founder of the Sex Down South Conference and the Sexual Liberation Collective. Gaining her reputation for being "The Sex Architect", she created Velvet Lips to empower people of all ages to embrace, educate and enjoy their sexuality and their sexual lives. She has studied human sexuality for more than 16 years at San Francisco State University and Georgia State University, respectively, and has expert knowledge in a wide variety of subjects. She has published academic articles and continues to do sexuality research. She has conducted workshops at conferences, not-for-profit and private organizations, as well as universities in the Atlanta area. She has been featured on many radio shows, documentaries, books, magazines and has been invited to speak at Universities around the country. She also sits on the board for the Atlanta Harm Reduction Coalition and SPARK Reproductive Justice Now!
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