Moving Past Your Sexual Fear
Regardless of the fear, there are ways to get through them.

Do you have a fear that you need to address in your sexual life? Is there something that you haven’t said to a lover or partner and are waiting for the right time to bring it up, but that time never comes? Whether you realize it or not, you might be holding back something that you want to say to your lover because you want to spare their feelings or maybe you’ve given up on an aspect of your sex life that you’ve decided to put on the back burner because your needs weren’t being met.

Regardless of the fear, there are ways to get through them. Even if you’ve had to work through sexual trauma or you have ideas of introducing new things to your lover(s), there are plenty of approaches that you can take to make sure that you can move past your fears and let them be a thing of the past. Here are a few ways to move past your sexual fear and be closer to sexual freedom!

Recognize Your Fear

Do you know exactly what your fear is? Do you know what’s keeping you from moving forward? Being able to recognize your fear and name your fear brings you to your first step toward being a better lover. Whether you’re afraid of hurting your lover’s feelings or being vulnerable enough to relax and enjoy an orgasm, to quote GI Joe, “Knowing is half the battle.” Self-awareness is key.

Face the challenge

Now that you know what your fear is, the next step is to face the challenge head on. Before you address the problem, your first question should be, “What’s the worst that could happen?” When you ask yourself this question, you give yourself the ability to be prepared for whatever may come your way. You can think of all the different responses that you’re able to prepare yourself with and come up with a counter-narrative that will reflect positively on your situation or the wanted outcome of your situation. With this re-imagined positive affirmation on your side to work against the negative response, you’re already embodying the outcome that you desire and it’s more likely to happen once you have already “lived through” the repercussions.

Push through

Now, that you’ve found yourself in the situation and you’re ready for any response that comes your way, it’s now time to go ahead and muster up that courage! Facing your fear in real time when you’re already prepared, not only helps you build confidence for the future, but it helps you in the actual moment. Emotional stress is actually subconsciously contagious, so if you’re too stressed out during a sexual moment, your lover is going to sense it, whether they know it or not. However, if you overcome that emotional stress and provide a “false” confidence, that confidence will also be transferred emotionally; eventually, that feeling of “false” will drop off and you’ll be confident in your abilities to overcome any other fears that you may have to face for the future.

Moving past your sexual fears is as simple as these three steps. Some of you may not think so, but I promise that these steps are a surefire way to get over your fears and gain the sexual confidence that you need to empower yourself to have a productive sexual life. If any of you have any stories that relate to your sexual fears, I’d love to hear them! If you’ve implemented these steps, that’s even better! Cheers to your sexual success!

Marla Stewart

Marla Renee Stewart, MA is a professional sex, intimacy and relationship coach and sex educator. Not only is she a lecturer at Clayton State University, she is also the co-founder of the Sex Down South Conference and the Sexual Liberation Collective. Gaining her reputation for being "The Sex Architect", she created Velvet Lips to empower people of all ages to embrace, educate and enjoy their sexuality and their sexual lives. She has studied human sexuality for more than 16 years at San Francisco State University and Georgia State University, respectively, and has expert knowledge in a wide variety of subjects. She has published academic articles and continues to do sexuality research. She has conducted workshops at conferences, not-for-profit and private organizations, as well as universities in the Atlanta area. She has been featured on many radio shows, documentaries, books, magazines and has been invited to speak at Universities around the country. She also sits on the board for the Atlanta Harm Reduction Coalition and SPARK Reproductive Justice Now!
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