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Signs You Aren’t Enjoying Intimacy

Sexual enjoyment varies from person to person.

Sexual enjoyment varies from person to person. We all have our own personal needs, wants, desires and overall experiences. However, there are some definite indicators to determine whether or not you’re actually enjoying the intimate moments you’re a part of.

Dr. Steve McGough walks us through the signs you aren’t actually enjoying intimacy, and what to do about it.


What are some signs you might not be enjoying intimacy with your partner? What might you do, what might you say?


- If you are consistently coming up with excuses (as well as creating reasons like working late) in order to avoid being intimate with your partner, this is a big red flag.

- If you feel like being intimate with your partner is a duty or chore.

- You don't think or fantasize about your partner or look forward to being intimate with them.- Your partner is the one who always initiates intimacy.

- While being intimate with your partner, you are constantly thinking about getting it over with, as well as other unrelated thoughts.

- You would prefer masturbating alone over being with your partner.


What are some reasons you might not be connecting with your partner intimately and sexually?


- You don't enjoy the experience because your partner doesn't know how to please you sexually. This is especially common with heterosexual relationships where the man doesn't adequately stimulate the female partner before intercourse.

- Sexual activity is painful. This could indicate that there's an underlying health challenge. For instance vaginismus (painful intercourse) and vulvodynia (generalized pelvic pain) are more common than most people think and tend to be under-reported because women are often embarrassed to bring it up with their healthcare provider (as well healthcare providers sometimes don't understand the conditions).

- You are totally stressed out about something and can't get in the mood, while your partner is always in the mood no matter what.

- You are embarrassed to be nude around your partner or have other negative body issues. This can often cause stress and makes it very difficult to feel sexually aroused.

- You and your partner have miss-matched sexual desires. Meaning that when they're in the mood you're exhausted, but then when you're in the mood they're tired or don't get your cues that you want sex.

- You suspect they may be cheating on you or are interested in someone else.

- You're bored. Most couples don't share with each other what they really want sexually and are afraid the other will judge them if they do. This can range from being afraid to share fantasies and things you'd like to try to what feels good in the moment and how to properly touch.

- Your partner isn't doing things the way you want or not enough, etc., and you're embarrassed to tell them. Many people aren't comfortable just saying, “That feels good, keep doing that” or “I really liked it when you did… let’s try that again.” As a result, their partner may think they're pleasing them when they aren't.


What are the signs of healthy intimacy and a fulfilling intimate life?


- Looking forward to being together, both for intimate activity and just time together.

- Feeling sexually fulfilled with your partner.

- Feeling like being with your partner both relaxes and excites you.

- Feeling like you can share who you are and not be embarrassed because you are accepted.

- Feeling like you are going to grow together in your relationship.

- Wanting to make sure your partner feels good and is sexually fulfilled.




Dr. Steve McGough, D.H.S is the Director of R&D, CTO hi® Master Level instructor and Director of R&D at Women and Couples Wellness, LLC, Associate Professor of Clinical Sexology, Institute for Advanced Study of Human Sexuality. Steve is regularly interviewed by outlets such as Prevention, Redbook, CNBC, MSN, Women’s Health, Medical Daily, Glamour, Ask Men, etc. Steve McGough discovered the technology behind “hi” when trying to help Wendy (his wife) recover from a tragedy.

Dr. Steve McGough

"Dr. Steve McGough the author of numerous books dealing with wellness, massage, and intimacy. He has a Doctorate of Human Sexuality from the IASHS, and a BS in Biochemistry (focusing on nutrition) from UNC-Chapel Hill. Steve has an extensive background in massage and various Asian healing practices. He's the Director of R&D at Women and Couples Wellness, and a professor of Clinical Sexology. During graduate research, Steve developed new techniques to help women with anorgasmia (inability to achieve orgasm). Through this, he's worked with several thousand women and couples researching female orgasm. Steve has been published in academic journals on topics ranging from neuroscience research to sexology. He has multiple US & International patents in areas for women's pelvic and sexual health. A distinction with his approach is the view that sexual health is an integral part of overall health. Steve is frequently interviewed in Prevention, Women's Health, Medical Daily, CNBC, Glamour, Cosmopolitan, Redbook, Ask Men, etc. He & his wife Wendy frequently teach at Young Swingers Week, Naughty N Nawlins, Hedonism II, etc.
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