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X is for X Factor

Finding the X Factor is a mission for all your sexual adventurers out there!

You know that something special that fires you up, puts a swing in your step, makes your heart race, and puts butterflies in your belly? That is the X Factor. Or maybe we could call it the XXX Factor. Sexually, what is it that makes your heart sing? That gets your engine purring?

Finding the X Factor is a mission for all your sexual adventurers out there! How to put that X Factor back into sex. That’s what my focus is in my work, playshops, writings and personal sessions. Creating a sexually satisfying, love-filled life with lots of XXXs.


Finding that X Factor...


I feel very blessed that I have found someone to share my life with who has that X Factor. He is a fascinating, talented individual and when we first made love that wow, X Factor, was present, and it still is today.  

You know it when you find it. It’s like the perfect glove or shoe. It just fits! On all levels. Not just sexually, but emotionally, intellectually, and energetically.

If for some reason you are missing that X Factor in your love life, allow yourself to keep exploring different sexual options until you find something that works for you. Something that gives you that whiz-bang experience. Keep adding to what you already have and making it better. Be it with toys, bringing others into your life, discover what turns you on, what is your kink.

The fear is that your partner (or you) may find someone else that turns you or them on more.

But are you willing to settle for less if you can have more? Is not the reason you are in this lifestyle to bring more passion into your lives to add to what you already have to be the sexual explorers that you are?


Gorwing into that X Factor with a Partner


If you truly love someone, completely and utterly, do you not wish for them to experience it all? To have the best life ever? That is true love, in my books. To see your loved one(s) enjoying themselves sexually to see them blossom to glow with orgasmic radiance… what a gift we are giving them. Encouraging them to be all that they can be. To be happy that they are sexually happy and satisfied. To be open to learning what really turns them on, how you can be a better lover.

Adding to what you have. A totally different shift in perspective.

I often describe my work as not focusing on what is missing or the issues in a relationship, but rather helping couples and individuals enhance what they already have and make it even more sexually joyful and fulfilling.

I am reminded of a fabulous couple I met from the mid-west. At first glance you wouldn’t think they were sexual adventurers. A normal looking farming couple from the mid-west who had been married since graduating from high school, and had never been with anyone else during their married lives. The husband was recently diagnosed with a serious health issue, so they started talking about their sexual bucket list. What would they both want to experience together before he just couldn’t any longer? What an incredible thing to do for your loved one. They talked about what they would like to experience sexually together and for themselves.

She really wanted to be with a black guy, which was very taboo in her part of the States and the small community they lived in, and he really wanted a threesome with his wife and another woman. Their willingness to talk about what would bring that X Factor back into their lives blew my mind.

On their last visit, they joked about the TSA inspector at the airport. Here is her bag going through the scanner full of sex toys, and then his, with a ventilator and oxygen!

For her to watch her husband pleasure another women and for him to watch his woman being pleasured by another female added that X Factor back. They experimented, enjoyed, learned, and loved each other more for creating that experience together and going through with it.

He received such pleasure watching his wife be pleasured by a sexy black man with a gorgeous body and cock working his magic on his wife and making her feel so sexy, and desirable. To me that is an enlightened sexual being. A true open, loving soul, who garners pleasure from seeing their partner pleasured.


What's Your X-Factor?


Question yourself. Are you truly in it for love? Does it bring you joy to see your partner pleasured by another? Or does fear arise? Jealousy? Challenge yourself. Shift the focus from a negative ownership entanglement to a loving, honoring, respecting appreciation of your partner, and joy in seeing them happy and sexually fulfilled.

I guarantee they will be so appreciative that they will do their best to make you feel more loved and sexually satisfied too, or to at least help you discover that for you, too!

Time and time again I witness relationships getting stronger, deeper, and more loving when the couple is open to exploring more sexually with each other and others. Adding variety to their sexual lives, and doing what it takes to find that X Factor and bring it back into their lives.

Do what it takes.

And as the song by Nickleback goes, “S” is for the simple need, “E” is for the ecstasy, “X” is just to mark the spot, cause that’s the one you really want.




X marks the spot. Go for it! Take aim and fire! Hit your target. Penetrate deep into your desires. Enhance what you already have and take it to the next level. Add to it. See it as a glass not half empty but half full with plenty of space to add more and make the combination even tastier. Add that X Factor, explore that X Factor, find that X Factor. Sealed with an X. A kiss. And there’s a reason the kiss is so important. More on that next… in Y is for Yes!

Dr. Shelley

Originally from New Zealand, now based in Las Vegas, Dr Shelley has a PhD specializing in human sexuality and in particular open relationships and polyamory. She is the author of Soul Sex, and the Anti-Aging & Health Benefits of Sex. Dr Shelley teaches small group intensives, workshops and has been working with couples and individuals for 20 years focusing on making the world more sexually joyful. She is excited to share her latest writings Dr Shelley's A-Z of Sex.
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