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H is for Heart

“Just sex” is great. I love it. I find it very sportive. But sometimes it can feel a little empty.

What does the Heart have to do with sex? Connecting with others with the heart energy can shift the entire experience from “just sex” to a meaningful, life-changing, memorable connection.

“Just sex” is great. I love it. I find it very sportive. But sometimes it can feel a little empty. Many couples and individuals I have worked with have shared the same feeling. They prefer to connect at a deeper level. Others shy away from deeper connections and keep that heart energy just for their life partner.

Self-love before loving another

First it is important to connect with your own heart. This could also be seen as self-love. The love and honor of oneself is very important. More on that in I for Introspection.

You cannot share with another something you do not have yourself. If your heart feels hurt or empty it can be very difficult to open up more to another. Many search for sexual satisfaction from others and that can turn into an almost addictive obsession with sex. As I referenced in my PhD, sex can be very beneficial health wise. It can lower the risk of breast cancer, prostate cancer, and heart disease. There are many positive physical aspects of having sex.

To read more on the health benefits of sex, I refer you to the summary of my research contained in my book Anti-Aging & Health Benefits of Sex.

Find what makes you connect

Sometimes simply looking into another person’s eyes can activate the heart connection. That is why the missionary position is still so popular since it allows face-to-face and lip-to-lip contact, and also heart-to-heart physical contact.

If you are not wanting anything more than just sex, then doggy style is probably the best. I have to admit that sometimes if I am at a sex party or with someone I am not very physically attracted to then getting done from behind helps me focus on my own physical pleasure and I won't be distracted by the person doing me.

Often in the swing scene you may find yourself “doing someone for the team” or ending up with a person so that your partner can connect with someone they are really attracted to. Many times people have asked me how do I do that? A technique I use is to focus on something within that person that you do like. Maybe it's their hair, their eyes, their lips, their sexual anatomy. Find something that you like and focus on that. Or close your eyes and allow yourself to go within and see the other person as a “live” sex toy that can be used for your personal satisfaction. Focus in on your own pleasure zones and reposition your body until their tongue, fingers or cock finds that particular spot that brings you pleasure.

Find what helps you connect

On other occasions, I kick in the porn star role. I love mirrors and love watching myself interacting sexually in different scenarios and positions. I focus on myself and see myself as a super sexy porn star who is putting on a great performance.

My partner only likes to have sex with people he has a connection with. If he doesn’t have a connection then nothing works for him, he finds it very difficult to get a hard-on. He enjoys deep and meaningful spiritual conversation. Going beyond the physical to the emotional and energetic connection. It is quite rare for him these days to really enjoy the swing scene and to find people he truly connects with.

For me, because I professionally interact with people intimately on a very regular basis, I have learned how to find a connection that works, on whatever level. It could be “just sex” or more often than not, I find a way to take that sexual connection and merge it with the heart energy and take the experience deeper, making it more powerful and memorable.

I find using eye contact, sensual touch, and synchronizing the breath to be very helpful in deepening a connection with someone. And also spending time feeling and lying together after orgasm. More on those topics to come…

Your primary partner needs to always be your first heart connection

Sometimes it can be threatening to one of the couple to see the other having a deep, meaningful connection, like the situation in Cap D’Agde I mentioned in F for Fornication. This has occurred several times for my partner. Many women love to have a deeper heart connection and appreciate my man’s willingness to go there. Yet their partners cannot understand it. It is always important in the swing scene and open lifestyle to assure your partners that they are the most important person in your life. Help them through their insecurities and if they really don’t feel comfortable with you connecting at a heart level, then honor them and remove yourself. Always, your primary partnership is the most important.

If you see your partner feeling uncomfortable then no matter how good your other connection feels, take a time-out and reconnect with your primary partner.

In many of my workshops, I focus on connecting through the heart with yourself and your loved one, and how to expand that heart connection to others. Sex as a physical act can be fun, but connecting with another through the heart so much more satisfying. Next up: I for Introspection…

Dr. Shelley

Originally from New Zealand, now based in Las Vegas, Dr Shelley has a PhD specializing in human sexuality and in particular open relationships and polyamory. She is the author of Soul Sex, and the Anti-Aging & Health Benefits of Sex. Dr Shelley teaches small group intensives, workshops and has been working with couples and individuals for 20 years focusing on making the world more sexually joyful. She is excited to share her latest writings Dr Shelley's A-Z of Sex.
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